I think this quote from the UB is particularly relevant to this discussion:
Having started out on the way of life everlasting, having accepted the assignment and received your orders to advance, do not fear the dangers of human forgetfulness and mortal inconstancy, do not be troubled with doubts of failure or by perplexing confusion, do not falter and question your status and standing, for in every dark hour, at every crossroad in the forward struggle, the Spirit of Truth will always speak, saying, “This is the way.” - 34:7.8
I spent a good portion of the last year coming to terms with the many ways I feared I had failed God or betrayed my own spirit. I had come to the realization that my faith had not been a LIVING faith, that my prayers were short-sighted, and that I had spent a good amount of my time talking with God about trivial, material things. I was
miserable, and I fell into a deep funk that took me a long time to get out of...and I was oblivious to the efforts of Spirit to try and pull me out of it.
I came to realize (very slowly) that the depression I felt was of my own making. I woke up every day with negative thoughts, and I let them linger; I subconsiously seemed to crave the emotional self-mutilation, like I believed I deserved it. I have long struggled with deep-rooted issues of unworthiness. Then, one day driving home from work and listening to one of my uplifting playlists in an effort to feel something other than darkness, I had a clear vision.
I saw myself next to a large male figure who was standing on a raised platform, that I understood to be God, or perhaps Michael. I was kneeling at His feet, crying in shame, begging for forgiveness. He held His hand out to me and I took His hand, and he bade me to stand up next to him. I understood that to mean that He wanted me to be at his side, and not prostrating at his feet. God, and Michael, helped restore my self-respect.
We are human, we're imperfect; it's all a part of being an ascending son of God. It's easy to become downtrodden as we ascend, especially when we're struggling to earn more cosmic insight. We become more consciously aware of how we can do better, how our actions, and even our thoughts affect others. As we grow in spiritual and emotional maturity, our "adolescence" can be awkward and painful, just like high school! God knows this and does not hold it against you, and neither should you. The risk here is that we become so despondent about the fact that we are imperfect that our will dissolves.
As far as giving and taking in relationships - that has been on my "lesson plan" this year too. My husband and I just filed for divorce this past Monday actually - we were high school sweethearts. The balance of give and take in our relationship was off kilter, and it took me a long time to see that that wasn't what God wanted for me. God wants us to SERVE from our hearts - he doesn't want us to sacrifice for others. Service is a Spiritual fruit that wells up from the heart, and if we're compelled to "give" to another, then it probably isn't from God. Conscious relationships are starting to become more and more prevalent as people wake up and straighten out what they value and go through their own subconscious BS. Have faith that the dynamic is changing
With Love,
Peggy