My ORB story

[Sandy]

WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!!


I found both these photos very moving, CarFin and if it is affecting me this way as I sit in the late morning hours on a peaceful sunny day in Australia...I can't begin to imagine how they moved, inspired and encouraged you in the desperate state you were experiencing at the time. I hope that every time you few these wonders that you are filled with the same feeling of love, the feelings of being known and loved unconditionally by One who decorates the universe with Galaxies. For me when viewing, and knowing the story behind them, it is like being held in a warm embrace, safety, belonging...home.

Thank you for sharing these precious photos.
Love,
Sandy

Sorry I wasn't much help in getting them loaded on the site... It seems you did well and we were able to view them at a nice big size in this way.

[CarFin]

Wow. You can tell I am a trauma survivor because I really like this validation thing. It's like amazing things are occurring that are showing me that I am coming back to my inner child but I am still surprised I get a cookie When I was at a lake with this second man who used my "stuckness" to get intimacy without love or trust he suddenly became, like my ex but different because in a "flash", so sad...it has been a freezing cold winter and this day came and I had never seen a sunset more spectacular or gone from boots to flip flops with he excitement of a child remembering that seasons change and it's a time to be happy. I felt radiant in a selfie I took when he would not stand with me. Angry people the joy of someone they need. I used him too in a way, to get to ski while on food stamps, it seems so crazy. But I was always confident about that activity, having gone to college away from the east coast on MY OWN PATH...and there it shows up..now these insane rainbows in the clouds are showing me that no one has take away. And this will sound ridiculous. But he was so mean and anal and rude he rushed off to the lift by himself after taking a work call in the lodge--he said he assumed I'd meet him. Now realizing it was all about the fact that he had to stop me from being so confident. Why does she not see this ass work or something I am helping her with. And I just got on the lift alone and the day became like a visit to everest. Peace, sun and illuminated trees and & gratitude for my innate right to be on this earth playing in it's splendor, fading and receding and surprising people like the sun, becoming so suddenly abundant like the insane snow that had fallen the night before...this usually icy little east coast mountain was suddenly like the vast terrain of my days skiing in college, out west, and it changed me (not just because of he rainbows and lights (in one pic) but also because I was soaring inside. My 18 year old self was present and I cannot explain this (I have a bad knee and from C-PTSD serious hip pain). Along came my missing "ski buddy" with his map and his watch and his instructions -- a little lame faux remorse for the leave behind -- but my younger self didn't obey anyone in that scene..never leaving a friend behind, there's joy in the moment we're sharing in this world, there's joy in flopping down and having a beer in the sun. Honestly, I soared over moguls and jumps that terrified me. I was truly light! I was 18 but with the confidence of someone totally oblivious to danger. I could not believe how fast I was flying and how perfectly my body moved whizzing by him singing. He did say something--it was about his well I seemed to align my body. Again I was illuminated. BTW I didn't even see those pictures or notice the lights in them until 2 years after (a month ago)--I doubt I could see them then? Still this is a journey. I am poor and can't help but feel lonely being unable to secure a job in a weird position geographically given my higher level of education..I don't know where I am going and my children trigger me with their own fears when it's clear I've had to reinstitute "no contact" with family saying I am killing my father with profanity out of nowhere after saying oh yeah--I will never leave you again--I see why you have to wait for x and y or figure out z. I have no idea where I'm going. I don't believe so much that I am meant to "wait" for my twin flame (my therapist does.) I am just waiting and doing what feels right day to day. Holidays and summer gatherings that meant everything hurt. Easter hurt. It's all so wrong? But what can you do but find joy when the struggle isn't yielding anything but pain. We are amazing creatures.

[Sandy]

Hello CarFin,
It is Monday already down under and a lovely morning to start the work week. Your talk of rainbows made me smile as life is so full of synchronicity. Yesterday as a bit of unsettled weather passed quickly through our area... a spattering of darkish clouds, sun and light rain created a dazzling double rainbow over the lake. I, feeling that inner child you speak of, went rushing to the back of the yard to get a better view and was treated to the awe and inspiration Nature always provides... It was enchanting, to see a small white puffy cloud often depicted in graphics of rain bows come sliding from behind the rainbow, through the rainbow and then, in front of the rainbow. I stood transfixed watching both rainbows fade and was glad for that small communion with nature and the energies ever present on our beautiful earth.

It sounds from your post that you have a close communion with the natural world and I am wondering if you perhaps experienced an enlightening experience up on the slopes that that joy-filled day. I have heard that often times with women it isn't a knock you over leaving you loopy kind of experience. George speaks of one woman's experience of such in one of his books... I'll see if I can find it and post it here if you like.

... and you have me thinking of a couple of days when I felt something similar...one occurring when I was in High school and at an unlikely place...track practice. I was a long distance runner on the high school track team where I was never very good, but on this day at practice I could do anything. I had energy to burn and nothing tired me. I was elated, joyful and remember thinking, " how am I doing this?" ...I reveled in the wonderful feeling of joy...the air moving through my lungs, my muscles performing effectively and tirelessly, my mind free and unencumbered. I was performing the repetitive grueling speed exercises without exhaustion and remember my coaches amazement and his thoughts that this was going to be our year to shine. LOL Well, maybe if it had lasted for the months of the competitions...but it doesn't matter as the memories of those hours stay with me and knowing something within changed and grew at that time... something that cannot be taken away.

I am going on and on again ...

So I'leave with the hope that Love and joy guide you and the peace of the present moment smooths over any rough spots, that like a "darkish" cloud threaten to spoil the moment. But I am wondering if much like the dark clouds illuminating my rainbows yesterday, we sometimes need the dark sometimes to fully appreciate those vivid awesome overwhelming colors of life. .... I don't know... but I must say, you have inspired me to go out expecting a "pot of gold" today.

Joy-Joy-Joy-Joy

((((Hugs from Australia)))))
Sandy

[CarFin]

Sandy:

I just awoke from this long sleep 1.5 day sleep. I always wonder when my hours will become "regular" (this only happens when I'm alone over a holiday and it was Memorial Day weekend..started thinking of family of origin, exhausted from latest attempts at rebuilding life, stripped of the illusion of connection/normalcy my second abusive relationship provided (thank god.)

My therapist has taught me to welcome these sleeps not feel ashamed. She is actually a light worker in hiding. Works as an MSW, but she is on a path two to relieve field of the psychology of it's limitations--ethical and legal restraints and restrictions that cause practitioners to be unable to help patients in any effective way.

She has saved me because she slowly and cautiously have me personal info (she has been to hell and back & sees things as we do--first to explain my twin flame connection to someone and guide me out of the dark with connection to source energy and this whole angelic realm that I would have laughed at 4 years ago when she was simply doing shock management.

She would ("unethically") show me the pages of rotten reports my ex was going to greet me with in court, detailing lies that could have my children taken.

"Carrie has always been selfish. It shocked me though, to see this turn into neglect for our children that cannot continue. It will fall on the court to decide but as a father I feel compelled to help her and the children by direct illumination of the truth:
1. "She did not breast feed (I did and he told me I was vile for it) nor bond with the children.
2. She does not take them for medical care I know I am male but I always had to be the nurturer & I'm afraid the children are now suffering total neglect in my absence.

And on and on and on.

He always told me that snuggling & reassuring a child was selfish of the parent ..disabled and similar to sexual contact. "They need to learn that pain is part of life!" was his favorite line. Once, my daughter fell of a stool after he was gone and instead of asking her she was, he flew off the handle as after I explained she and been treated at the ER. That I had taken my screaming child for care.
I then had to hand my baby to my estranged abuser with a sling and instructions for pain. He took off her sling and threw the paper at me. She came back with a different sling and at the follow up appt. I had booked, I was received our Dr. as if Munchausen by proxy syndrome -- the system shows she has received additional and unnecessary X-ray at two different hospitals.

"Mrs. Capon, multiple exposure to X-ray can be more harmful to a child than fracture. Is there any reason YOU found this neccesary?"

The stories in my brain become clearer, the chronology more lucid as my healing from him continues. These sleeps like I just had -- it's like I wake up needing to make purge them from my body as they were just reorganized in my brain which during the custody battle was too overloaded to process them normally.

Why I am going off on this tangent is because it is SO SO
clear why angels have to work with LIGHT again. Why I felt that way skiing. Pain is revisited by my body in darkness so heavy it can be processed only in sleep. Nightmares unfolded and untangled.


Joy has to be the COMPLETE opposite side of the spectrum. It is not experienced as a constant or expected event. There is simply no way to predict or manage it. It is RELIEF from our crippling world where we have found this strange comfort and logic in the repeating the mundane. In the ritual of the 9-5 grind and satisfaction meeting the world's deadlines and expectations of acceptable behavior and ensures found in mediocrity.

That is why it feels so unbelievably freeing. I love your story about track. I felt such insecurity in competitive sports and certain academics because of the expectation to fly that loomed over me since birth. I think this is precisely what these angels are fed up with. Human beings have made our life here on earth a strange game. Joy is an earned standard. Pleasure is not an expectation and is something, again, that we don't find a birthright.

I am tired but so hopeful. And I have no idea what's in store!

[Sandy]

Hello again CarFin,
It sounds as you have a wonderful therapist to help you untangle the knots in your life. She seems very compassionate and understanding due in part perhaps as you explained from her own understanding of pain. Hurts and heartache can scar and even break us but they also can make us stronger when we arrive at the healing side of that “hurtful knot” With every post you make describing inhumane treatment, I am thinking it is amazing that you stand on this side of it, finding your strength, your feet and your voice. I want you to feel, I want all of us to feel that joy that you felt on the slopes that day. I want all of us to be happy. But happiness comes from the inside...and discovering how we can recover it, manage our life gracefully, peacefully and live the life we dream of can in the beginning feel daunting. When life knocks us down over and over again it is hard to even have the desire to stand up.... KImmie said something on a thread in the healing forum that has helped me ...perhaps it may help someone else out there that needs a little encouragement to steady their weary feet and take charge of their life... after they have been the victim of someone else's diminishing.

Kim writes:

For me the negative environment and abuse from people around me, became my internal dialogue when I was a young child. But you know what? Their fear and anger directed at me was wrong. I was and am a very wonderful person! I'm pretty sure you are too. It takes a lot of work and releasing of old patterns of thinking, but you can change that internal dialogue.

No one in the world is better or more worthy than you. You have every right to be happy and and feel good about yourself... And the only person keeping you from that... is you. Please look for something that will help. Until then interrupt every time you begin saying or thinking negatively about yourself. Rephrase the dialogue,"I am wonderful and a beautiful person. I deserve to be happy!"

You are a living testament of what she speaks of as you unravel the "knots" in your dream time... and analyse what you have come to understand in the light. And I thank you for being so open with the deep hurt that has been done to you. I'm in your corner hoping the light guides your every step. May peace and happiness be a way of life for all of us.

You know, I hadn't thought about it this way before... you said..

Joy has to be the COMPLETE opposite side of the spectrum. It is not experienced as a constant or expected event. There is simply no way to predict or manage it.

Joy is spontaneous isn't it? Wow! So is the trick to living in joy...accepting ourselves as we are, feeling gratitude and even appreciation for the days and moments of our life... the breath in our lungs the opportunity to learn and grow in wisdom of all kinds... etc... I don't know but you have me thinking... ( and that’s always a good thing. )

JOY! Maybe the secret to life is finding our spontaneous Joy again.


Here’s to living our joy!
xxSandy

[Seeker13]

Carfin,
Welcome to the boards! Sorry I'm a little late sending greetings, the weather has finally been kind in our little neck of the woods. I'm taking advantage of every extra minute to be outside.

Your photos are inspiring and beautiful. As a former victim of abuse, I'm always elated when others are taking steps to heal. Suddenly my mind is flooded with memories, advice and a hope that you continue to do so, because life is so much more kinder on the other side of it. When the fear, anger and resentment is finally and truly a memory, there is so much more room in our lives for the things that should be there like love and joy.

Hope you are having a wonderful day,
Kim

[Geoff]

Our Geoff goes away most every weekend and I suspect he may already be gone. But hang in there even should we have to wait until Sunday or Monday, it will be worth the wait to see those photos I must say it has been lovely too to re read this thread and think about the lovely people who posted here. Many of them have not been here in a long while but as the unofficial door lady, it does my heart good to think of them on such a beautiful day.

Sorry Guys, been overseas again, and got back this morning. Still jet legged. Basically you have to have the pictures on another web site that lets you share. FaceBook makes it very hard to share. And yes, when you have the link to that location, that code should work, BUT I CANT GET IT TO WORK!!! Sigh. And welcome to you Carfin. So sorry you have had such a tough time. Its a hard world for far too many. I am sure it keeps our angels up (well if they slept it would )

hugs
Geoff

[Sandy]

Hey Geoff,
It's good to have you home!Get some rest and thank you for your efforts to try to post Carfin's photos on the thread.
love,
Sandy