Friday of the 27th of December:
It was a quiet evening outside, and inside of the church there was much more life. I was there maybe an hour or so, and at some point a guy tripped at the candles on floor. The ones in boxes shaped as a cross. Quickly some others came to assist and bring order back to the displaced boxes and candles. The messyness was once again orderly and properly set up. I was writing a prayer for some people (not myself) and so from my position i noticed what had happend.
Quite a few young people had gathered in
"Jobs corner" and a girl sat and starred in the direction towards the alter and churchroom itself. It gave me comfort that they were there. Sitting and whispering etc. It made it easier for me to focus and write my paper on a piece of paper for the prayer session at 11 p.m. Maybe i am overly sensitive, but since i can remember i have always felt a huge responsibility for others, and this year brought to a closure a friendship i had with a girl of 20 from Australia. I brought her name to surface, and asked that the prayers would be answered for her. It is hard for me to befriend others, as i often feel burdend that should things go wrong, and a break-up come then it is due to me. Not being enough, lacking something on the inside or simply that i do not treat "the friend" as she or he deserves! All this stems from low a self-esteem. All this is part of the things that have formed and shaped me, and not allowed me to truly give myself to anyone, really. And i felt this as i wrote my prayers, but also i felt that i was not condemned! Felt as if i was loved, loved for me being me! :-) This was what also allowed me to finish the prayer, but the paper in basket and let the healing continue as i sat at bench and listend to the music and viewed the flicker of candle lights, and how many they were on that evening then. Many indeed. The healing for humanity, as i opened my heart and just allowed my imagination to take me to places: the sea... imagining Sandy sitting beside me in the church room. Etc. etc. I drifted off, and as i write this, i do not recall exactly to where - only that it made me feel good, and whole on the inside of my being. I felt unalone and unafraid of God, death and whatever awaits in the future. Felt loved, and that love was everywhere indeed. Love as the source of everything and everyone: nature, humans
all included.
In the coffeeroom, there was a chit-chat and some laughs. And a very cosy and calming an atmosphere. Voices low, but a gay atmosphere as the talks were random and about television, and childhood memories. Clearly adults in the mood and having fun as the togetherness evolved! I joined in (having a nice tea) and then i went back to the churchroom, and sat behind the rest. Many young people had joined for this ritual - and the pianoplayer was a gentleman from the coffeetable and talks. I heard the vicar speak about the biblical Jesus, and about the last supper being a reminder of his betrayal in Getsemena garden, and crucifiction on cross. A breaded short man, and slim and somewhere in his early 60's and he made a good impression, as he was not speaking over the heads of us. I left as the others (those whom wanted) went for the supper. I left as i had an appointment with a dear friend. He who often joins me at nightchurch. I later found out, he had forgotten all about the date 11/27 and that he would have gone had he recalled it... it was great to be back and i am thankful that i did go, and not stay away.
Especially knowing that behind the veil of space and time, love is at work - made me grateful to be alive and awake in this
2015 year! The healing and flow of the Holy Spirit - wow.
