You are not ready

[murlin99]

What does that mean? "You are not ready?"

I have asked myself that question many times over the last year. Let me roll back to where it started from.

One night around a 2 years ago I had gone into a deep meditation one evening not long before bedtime. The meditation was a calming, alpha state meditation. I ended up falling asleep sometime during the meditation. Without going into the 3 pages of details about the vision, or was it a dream that I had afterwards I will just say I saw the Library of Universal Knowledge, I was in the Library, I saw the books, tomes, scrolls I felt the power of the knowledge around me. I wanted that knowledge, I tried to get that knowledge, I wanted all of it. I tried to get it, but a voice boomed into my head that said "You are not ready." I may have mentioned the part about being in the Library in another post, but this part I kept to myself out of fear of being looked down upon.

I slept through the rest of the night but remembered the whole thing in vivid detail when I awoke the next morning. Bookshelves as high as I could see, into the clouds, as long as you could see, miles and miles of books that I knew contained all of the knowledge that there ever was and ever would be. And I still wanted it. I was angry that I had been in my mind thrown out with just the statement "You are not ready." But what was I not ready for. I did not understand that, I knew what was there, I knew what I wanted, I could see it right in front of my eyes but it was all gone in the blink of an eye. But WHY is what I screamed in my mind. What did it mean.

That thought has never left me, my constant thirst for knowledge is never ending and it was all right there, just out of my reach, I thought I was a good person, on a good moral path, I thought about it over and over and over, why was I not ready? Again, what did it mean.

I meditate fairly regularly generally short meditations to clear my mind for what I am going to have to face tomorrow. Two months ago I decided it was time for another deep inside meditation, self evaluation, find my center since I was falling off to the side for many reasons. During this meditation it hit me, "You are not ready" popped into my mind again and I calmly asked why am I not ready. Then the realizations started to set in. I was not and never have been who I thought I was.

The question was posed, I am not sure if from my inner self or some higher plane but it was posed "Why do you want the information in the Library so bad?" My external self thought I wanted it for the right reasons but my internal self said, you are wrong. The truth was I wanted it for myself, I wanted it because very few others had it, I wanted it for self gain, monetary gain, knowing more than the person next to me. I wanted it for all the wrong reasons, self centered, self serving, all about me, not about what I could use the knowledge to help other people, it was all about me and what I would gain if I had access to all of that knowledge.... This revelation scared me really because it was not who I though I was but the more I thought about it, that was who I really was. I was self centered and it was all about me. The answer was there plain in my face, you are not who you thought you were.

This may sound strange, I do not know if anyone else here has gone on this journey, but it is a life turning event. I did not want my life to be all about me, I could help other people, I had always said I wanted to help other people however I could, but did I ever really mean it? Or did I just use it to make myself look like a hero when in reality I had never done anything to help anyone that I didn't absolutely have to. So I started to realize that no I was not ready. The knowledge in the Library is for the benefit of all, everyone, everywhere, every time and there were others who could and would use it for the right reasons. I understand now that all of that knowledge is power, and if you are self centered and power hungry that information could be as dangerous as it could be helpful. I almost had a breakdown as my mind argued with its self.

This all bothered me to no end. And it still does because I am not there yet, I still do not deserve access to the Universal Tome of Knowledge.

To start myself down the correct path I answered an advertisement for volunteer work at a local non-profit community center. This center helps everyone but focuses on the plight that Native American's still deal with to this day. The initial volunteer work was just to write a web page for the center, they did not have one and it started becoming a requirement that they have a web page to qualify for some grants. In the beginning I asked myself frequently, why am I doing this, I am working on this web page using all of MY free time all of MY resources and there is no gain in it for me. And there was the "you are not ready" rearing its head again. I had to come to the realization that this was not about me, it was about helping a group of people who needed help much more than I ever would. A group of people who would be happy with 1% of what I have but were still prideful with what they did have, even if it was just a pair of shoes.

As I worked with the center and became more deeply involved in their mission I started to see the light. The world did not revolve around me, I was not the center of the universe and at this point no I did not deserve that knowledge that I had been so angry not to have access to years before. I start studying Native American culture, spirituality, pride, and the sad part the atrocities that they have endured over the last 300+ years. And you know what I found out as I came to trust the people I was working with and they came to trust me, in a lot of cases they know of the Library, they go there, they meditate but they call it spirit walking, or spirit quest. Native American's are very earth centered, very caring for what they do have and not angry about what they don't have. Do not bring the casino's and all of the other evil money things that you will hear Native American's do or are about, those are a select few and generally backed by non Native corporations. That is another very deep topic that I may get into at another time. The point being that just deciding to help one set of people has started to change me for the better.

Now I was beginning to understand why I was not ready. No matter what I said or my outside mind thought, my internal mind knew the truth. Which I will repeat with deep emotion, I was not who I thought I was, I did not know myself, not my true self. I was angry, power hungry and dangerous. My mind was and still is too wild to have access to that much information, power corrupts and I fear it would do the same to me at this point. I thought I knew it all, I meditated, I put up a good front but it was all about me.

Now access to the Library is not a want in my life, I don't think, see I'm still not sure but it would be nice, but I still have a long road to walk before I will even admit I am ready. I feel better that I am actually helping other people, that does give a very strong sense of well being when I see another person get the help they need, be it a meal on the table, a fresh set of clothes, the counseling or medical help that they need. But how long will it last? Who knows, I guess only I can answer that question.

This may seem to be all about me, there are a lot of I's in this post and thats not the point I was trying to get across. I explained this from my point of view. I know some of you will read my past posts and maybe think something along the lines of this cant be true or it is an attention grab but that is not the case.

Sometimes people never realize that they are not who they think they are. I was one and still am one of those. Power hungry, wanting what I want and wanting it now and getting angry if it does not work out that way no matter the time, person, situation or who may get hurt on my run for that power.

I am working those evil's out of my system one day at a time and it is the 1111 who have pointed me on this new path using my hunger for knowledge/power as the trigger to start the turn around of this 40 year old ship.

I am of you, we are of us, we are all from the same source, the light that heals, the path that opens. Listen to your inner self, it knows more than you do.

--Bryan

[George]

Thank you Murlin.

A great read !

You will become who you are.

Cheers...

[Welles]

That is a wonderful story Bryan. I'll interpret it from a different point of view. You were ready and you did receive all the knowledge in the universe that you needed at the moment. It was self-knowledge rather than what you thought it would be. You accessed your heart. It is your library card. You borrowed a powerful lesson and returned it when you shared it via your actions and then again when you shared the story with us. I wonder what you'll find the next time you visit your Universal Library?


Welles

[Sandy]

((((((Bryan))))))
What an awesome story and an awesome bit of learning that in the sharing has been an eye opener, or maybe more like a "heart opener" for me. Thank you for that!
Love this...

I am of you, we are of us, we are all from the same source, the light that heals, the path that opens. Listen to your inner self, it knows more than you do.

Wise words.
love,
Sandy

[Seeker13]

Dear Bryan,
Thank you for sharing your journey of self discovery. Very few of us I think face ourselves, and admit we aren't best we can be. Then strive to change that thing in us that needs changing. not easy, but well worth it.

Kim