Good evening my friends. Wow.
I can't tell you how much you people have meant to me over the past week or so, but I'm going to say in earnest, and humbly from my heart, that I've been learning, AND heeding what I've learned here...I've been in meditation, I've not been here for a few days writing. I've been going through "the process"...I checked in to see what was going on though...
My good friend, who apparently has been used as an instrument by God in my life, and had probably saved my life by talking me out of responding to Ashley's texts and calls? "Dave, you can't respond, you can't go back...You might literally die there..." There was a lot more than that...But that's the condensed version...
Guys, I'm one of those old "logical" type of men. I was an aircraft mechanic (aircraft engineer for you Aussies - I was an old F-111 guy at RAF Lakenheath in the UK back in the 80's) and hats off the the RAAF for keeping my old sweetheart around for so long, truly a beautiful aircraft with many fond memories of her...Being that, I call John up the other night to continue my sobbing, and the "what ifs" surrounding this...We're brainstorming to get any answers that might get me peace, and of all things, he put it into terms that made complete sense which actually circumvented a LOT of guess work which after absorbing it, I came to a peace...I've been praying, silent, still, meditating, asking for any help from my spiritual guides, midwayers, and God to send a 911 crew because of the shape I've been in. Something like this, losing an extreme loved one, does not want to keep yourself around. Not in a "take your own life" kind of way, but you just don't care whether you live or die...
John after hearing what I was describing what Ashley has been through, her actions towards people, and life in general really put him on a path of logics...I mean, it did work fine, maybe-well, after hearing, it was not "just come up with" as I'd say it was more of a "guided" word...He tells me "Dave, she just didn't want to be here" which is what she has told me herself many many times...Per John: Dave, have you ever been to a party? Yanno, the kind of party you absolutely hated being at? The one no matter what they were serving-HEY DON'T GO YET! We're bringing out the ice cream and cake! That kind where you STILL couldn't stand it? The girl is ready to jump out of the cake! But you were so wanting to fling yourself through a window just to breathe...It wasn't the guests, it wasn't the host...It was just the party...
I tried to be a better host to her "party"...I stood in the doorway with arms out blocking her leaving a number of times...I tried to show her the basement, the other rooms, the upstairs to the party, and of course the fun rooms too...She just wanted to leave. She was willing to (in my case literally) kill me to get me out of her way of leaving...
Well, I got a better understanding...I asked for answers from the universe...I prayed, meditated, cried out in pain for anything. I can't explain it. They came. They also came from here..."Touched" your words were put here, just like the others...When I read about our Creator having to heal her "in person" I cried and understood...
ALL of you...I'm awestruck...
I am now in retrospect, looking back. I was put in her life for a reason...I KNEW last October when we first chatted something was going on. In January, I even told me mum "yanno, I'm gonna hear from that Ashley girl who is dating that Steven guy" and on February 6/7th I got a call from her...From immediately on, we were on. I can't explain it? It was like we knew each other from somewhere else, a lifetime ago, and had already spent a lifetime together? We both confessed to each other that we had talked more than most married people, and that we were really deep in our conversation/love for one another/feelings. It was like nothing I've ever experienced and for her the same. I somehow felt different with her for a long time like we were "together" before...Not weird, just easy, thought I'd met "the one" and her also...We must have asked each other to get married 4 or so times throughout out first few months...
I can't recall where it went wrong, but a Dr she worked with committed suicide in Texas back in June...A nurse where she worked but didn't know also committed suicide up in the mountains near where we live...Since June it started to sink it to her, by the end of July, the bottle was in full effect...Along with a new added on anti-depressant and the adderal she was taking to "lose weight" over a self image issue of herself. A skewed one at that...That one pill the Psych put her on she started by the first week of September...I believe they were key in amping her up in her downward spiral of which there was no return...
Her friends, now also in retrospect I see what they were saying to me, "Thank you for loving Ashley the way you did"...I am kinda proud of that...I still do love her and pray for her...
I'm a fairly open minded person, who doubts nothing where the powers of our Creator are concerned, sometimes however, the answers don't come as fast as we'd like...I know she has to come to reckon with what happened and how she let herself just crumble. She didn't have to do what she did, but like it was said "we can't understand her pain, but God does" and I get that. I know a bit about the pain, because I'm now living with it...
Maybe the scathing email I sent her to recognize what she became also had a hand in this? I feel it did personally although I'm not taking on any of the guilt, its what was true what she did to herself. A person who has helped so many let herself succumb to things she didn't have to take on, but wouldn't let go and rather decided to "OWN" the pain, embarrassment, guilt, shame...She didn't have to shoulder that, she chose to instead of taking any other course to find answers and peace...
I can't explain the peace the past few days since this has settled in, I still cry for her-for myself a bit also...I did want to keep the one I loved here, I didn't want to "let her go" but she in the end, had given me/all of us, no choice. She wanted to feel that abandonment that she set out for as a goal...I shared with her friends the quips of God having to heal her in person, and through here, and the words of encouragement through all of you, it has made sense and eased the pain that we're sharing tremendously...
Geoff, not going to let myself get into the hate trip, I can't...She still is loved
I did look, like you said, and question...I did the best I could possibly do, hands down. The indefinite support had to stop, or I would have ended also. Considerable damage here done, but its going to go forward. I have other work that needs to be done here...
Sandy, I think with the memorial service this Sunday, its going to maybe start healing everyone...Although the letter is still appealing. Once I get out of the sine wave of emotion, or maybe before I will do just that?
George, its coming together, we're all responsible...For our actions...Mine was getting to a better place here to operate from. I think I'm getting there...
Maggie, the more I absorb, the less mad I get, no anger towards her...I do have anger with her actions at times, but the person I fell in love with wasn't there anymore...Like the SOS people were telling me, which makes sense, is that there are 3 individual entities involved in a suicide. An aggressor, a victim, and a death. Sober Ashley was the victim attacked by the drunk aggressor Ashley, which resulted in a death...
Like I said, I'll be here s things show up...Which in my world right now may be tomorrow?
And much love to all, thank you-thank you-thank you...
{{{{{{{{{{{{{ SWPA_Man }}}}}}}}}}}}}} 
I venture to say that say that none of us who responded on this thread think anything of the kind. Our Angelic and Midwayer friends, those prompting us with the numbers, encourage and support us as our lives unfold around us. They do not interfere...not allowed to. They cannot control our thoughts and it is our thoughts and emotions that weigh heavily on our hearts as we try to understand these tradgedies and the effect they have on our lives. Universe reality is most likely much more complex then any of us can imagine at this time since we are just beginning the eternal trek in this mortal form. There are many lessons to learn but the ground work begins here on this world. Things happen to us and we respond. It is in our response and what we learn from the responding that create these hard won lessons.
