, This week has been a little low and rather uneventful, besides challenges to my ability to forgive. These challenges are most likely just as important as making a positive ripple in the lives of others. So in an attempt to honor the better days, i will speak of my previous week.
It was a very enlightening week. I see that sometimes many opportunities arise where i have a chance to go out with and connect with new and very old friends. There was a time in my life where all who new me, would never even bother to call and ask me if i would like to join them for lunch or a nice drive. I suppose all the times they called and stopped by to ask me, they eventually realized that i may never say "ok, i'd like that". When i think of that now, i feel shame and that I may have caused them to feel less hopeful, not only about my relationship to them, but to life itself. To see someone they hold dear actually hiding from life, is not a a site behold. It is now my very great pleasure to say yes without hesitation, as a reward for their patience and unwavering friendship. This week i got a call from my close friend and he asked me if i would like to go for a ride and pick up another dear friend of ours, we have been buddies since we were children. It was extremely hot out and i remember many times i would not have even answered the phone just to avoid the disappointment of having to say no, hiding from the heat, from the crowds, from life all together. I could here my inner voice, "dont be afraid...this is for you. this life experience is for you...do not hide" I thought deeply about this, "how could i be afraid of the heat?" "yes i will sweat, yes it will feel uncomfortable, but this is our weather. It would not BE if wasnt, why should I feel that this heat is not meant for me and everyone else? I am part of it." So i, with great joy accepted and was able to say "Sure! Sounds good, i'll be ready" The pleasure in my old friends voice was uplifting and redeeming.
As my friends often do, they decided they were hungry and we all agreed to an impromptu lunch. This to me was LIVING! Funny jokes, deep conversations and a very unexpected moment that really brought my connection to all things, to the surface. We sat and talked and ate lunch outdoors, when two pigeons approached me slowly from behind. They circled me and kept coming back. My friend suggested "Try feeding them by hand" I grabbed a grain of rice and pinched it between my fingers. With humility and respect in my heart i served this animal, and with understanding, it pecked it with such courage right from my grasp. The other came and i continued to serve them. It was beautiful. An elderly woman with a cane stopped to see if it was actually happening, they snatched a piece and her face changed entirley, i saw such joy surround her as she said "Wow!" I would call them over and they would approach over and over again. I fed those chubby little dudes a lot of rice. the funny thing is my friend tried but they would not take it, he said "look at that man, they just come right up to you...they Love you." I heard myself whisper inside "I Love them too". Many funny jokes followed and it really set the mood for the day. We spent much time together that day until the late night hours. There was nothing i could have done at home alone that would have compared to that day.
This very same week, i was invited to my cousins fiance's birthday party at a restaurant in the big busy city. I once again heard my inner voice, "this is for you, this is a valuable opportunity for you to learn and to Love." These are moments i would have dreaded a year or two ago.
But instead of allowing my mind to "predict" the outcome and succumb to Fear, I followed the guidance of our unseen dear ones, and became courage, became Fearless. I went out the very next day and bought a nice dressy shirt and fancy slacks, and prepared for what I knew was not a threat, what is meant for my soul, for my evolution. The day approached and still i felt no anxiety or Fear. This was new to me, i always bit my nails and paced back and forth until the very moment arrived, NO LONGER, NO LONGER will i serve Fear, my dear celestials, i thank you with my every being, my every atom and every fragment of the creator within me. You have freed me from my own prison. (Tears) My dear friends reading this, do not fear what is meant for you, do not hide. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL FRAGMENTS OF A GREATER SOURCE.
Throw yourself into that fear and burn it away as if tossed into flame. Share your beauty with all the world. We need you. <3
That night as i prepared my clothes to go, i spoke aloud and and for a brief moment found myself saying, "we Love you Daron...we are so proud...you are FEARLESS." Tears rolled down my face as I felt this Love and felt this fearlessness. I felt the freedom.
I stepped out gift in hand, a lovely bunch of colorful flowers and still alive in the soil. I wanted them to still be growing for her, i wanted "Life with color" to be there in her home. I set out with my cousin and we get to the city, boy it was a sight. It had been a while. As we crossed that New York skyline, i never felt more at home. The city glistened in the night. Twinkling with thousands and thousands of life stories and events...one which will soon be mine.
After a long search for a parking space
we set out on the busy streets. It was a city alive...alive with all types of people on all corners on all streets. Conversations erupting at every turn. Smiles and laughter and movement, bikes and cars, buses and taxis. I felt blessed to be calm and clear to see it all. As we appraoched the restauraunt, i could now see that this was no eatery, this was a night club. The great source and celestials have guided me to a New York city Night club.
Still i felt no Fear. Inside me stood the ever cemented wall of knowledge and Love, sturdy with the understanding that whether strolling alone through grass and trees or in the depths of a dark dance club...I am always where i need to be. I am home. We decended into a place called "La Caverna" (The cave/cavern). Indeed it was, a very tight spaced low lighting place packed with groups of people dancing and singing and drinking. The place was built to resemble a cave, rock on the wall stalactites on the ceiling and all. I felt like looking for bats.
Still no Fear held me. I gave my Loving greetings to old and new friends alike, and started to observe and learn without judgement, through eyes of Love. I even had 2 to three drinks! It had been at least over a year, but that voice inside is ever monitering, I remember it saying "yes, go ahead...ok one more only,anything more and you risk blurring your clarity and so lose sight of the lesson here" I of course followed this and had the time of my life. I didnt want to leave! I actually danced with my dear friend, She shouted over the extremely loud music and said "I'm just gonna dance with you, even if you don't ok?"
Soon that fearlessness erupted and i replied "I will definitley join you", and somehow i knew how to dance. I never dance.
The most incredible moment was, (which i see know as the main reason i was called there) as i stood back against the wall in observation, my eyes panned the busy space back and forth. I looked upon may different people and saw a celebration, a celebration of life, of their only two days of freedom in a long week of servitude. I saw that deep in their hearts they knew...they know that they are free. I know many of us have fallen "in love", that feeling of observing someone being, and find them so endearing and adorable , that play our heart strings like master musicians. That night, i fell in Love with every one there. I deeply felt for them all, "such amazing and beautiful children they are,living as best they can with so little knowing" My eyes teared up in that New York city night club, as i fell in love with an entire population. All in all it was an enlightening experience long overdue, but as the voice in side says ..."Better late than never."