Seeking Help

[Shyvan]

Recently I've been having a very troubling time coming to grips with the notion that my consciousness will one day end. I don't have a religious background and I've always been one to look to science for answers. Because in my mind it makes the most logical sense. Despite having experienced a few "supernatural" things. The older I become the more skeptical I become. I am 26 years old. I identify as agnostic. We are ridiculed for being lazy atheists. Which is a sham label if you ask me. I personally believe neither side of the argument has empirical evidence. Just my belief. Well, this was my belief...

I've been so consumed with the thought of death. I am so afraid of it. I'm so afraid that it's at the forefront of my mind almost non-stop. I use to not be like this. I use to not think about it and would go along just fine as if there wasn't anything to be afraid of. Boy do I miss those days. Can those days return to me?

Forgive me if my thought process. This all seems jumbled. And I'm not writing this to have a flow or anything. I'm just trying to get out what I feel needs to be said when it needs to be said.

At the age of 17 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease. A type of cancer. I remember not being scared when the doctor told me. I remember telling him that I would be strong and make it through. And I did. I also came to find out that Hodgkin's Disease is one of, if not the, most treatable type of cancer. Being that it's very weak chemotheraphy and radiation. After going through a shortened dose of both treatments I was told that my cancer was in remission. I've been going to yearly checkups and everything.

I'm leaving out a fair share. Before I knew I had cancer I was scared into going in for a doctor check to get a lump under my arm diagnosed. I say "scared" because it was kind of a supernatural event. My mom, myself, and a few others were in our living room and all at once everyone (but myself) suddenly gasped. They all saw a light. My mom then looked at me and told me that I needed to get something checked out. That I needed to go see a doctor. That is how I discovered I had Hodgkin's disease. Whether or not this "supernatural" event was real, this is how it happened.

And on the day I heard I was in remission from my doctor I found a four-leaf clover. Maybe not that big of a deal, but to me it was significant because I had never found one and my dad had this knack of always walking outside and bending down and picking one up. Well on the day me and my dad went out to find out the good news I finally found one. (I haven't found one since that day).

Me and my dad were born on the same date. May 7th. Same as my cousin and best friend. I always thought that was weird since this is a thread about numbers.

But this isn't all - there is more - Between the ages of 18-23 I would always look down at the clock and see these times everyone here is talking about. I never really looked into it. Except I knew it was something special only because I was not the only one experiencing this. So was my best friend Kevin and my brother. I would see it all. 10:10, 11:11, 12:12, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55, 12:34, and what I believe to be another one - one that I still continue to see from time to time these days: 11:34. (which is hell upside down.....is this a bad omen?)

I need to get out of this existential crisis. It is consuming me.

Can anyone here help me feel better?

-Steven

[Sandy]

Dear Steven,
It is my greatest wish that you would feel better...that the world would make sense and feel good well ordered and benevolent again... but I am afraid that power is given only to one person and that is you despite our deepest desire to assist you. Well assist we can perhaps in the manner of friendship and honest and open conversation. So lets begin there okay, new friend?

Firstly, I would like to tell you it is good to hear that you were able to recover from your young bout with cancer and that your cancer has been in remission for a long time. It is interesting you come on the board now as George and I were just discussing this cancer in young people last night. I was telling him I just didn’t understand childhood cancers...why certain young people for no apparent reason are plagued with this untimely burden. Yet you experienced something that few can boast. I am thinking of the brilliant light and the words your mother spoke. In a real way perhaps this even saved your life. I cannot know for sure where this came from, yet from the nature of your story and the result you speak of...as an outsider it seems to say that “Someone” feels your life is of great value...and so I ask you to look at this with encouragement. You do not have to believe any one thing... not one thing about religion..not one thing about spirituality..not even one thing about science. But spirituality, much like science, have certain laws inherent within our being...laws interacting and interfacing with what we have to this point discovered in science... Trying to balance the scale of thought in these areas can be rather daunting though and not for the faint hearted and it is certainly for greater minds then my own but I can say that I have found great peace in simplicity...in simple Love which is a power in and of itself. Love and its companions, caring, compassion, patience and tolerance come back to us in the sharing and enrich our lives in ways unparalleled in most “religious thought.” Spirituality as many people think..is simply accepting yourself with Love, accepting others with love and this creates an openness within us that is gradually filled with peace of something Far Greater. Most of us cannot say we know God... How can we with these small brains and budding intellects know the fabric of the universe... We struggle with the way the heavens are formed, understanding even the most basic of scientific circumstances... yet on the same scale, how can we know any better the ways of spirit at this time? So truly, you have every right to question and wonder and I am terribly sorry that you have been made to feel small by others when they wish to foster their beliefs on you. Some people, I am afraid feel that to build their own “postulates” they must ridicule someone else. Do not pay them any mind as you cannot control the minds and tongues of others..only of yourself.

As I said earlier we each are responsible for what we understand and believe... sort of our own truth. Truth, Universe Truth is far bigger than any of us can conceive but within each of us is an ability to begin the long process of deciphering truth. Now I am going to suggest something, please think about it and bear with me just a little while longer, understanding I in no way wish to foster my own beliefs on you... But I do want you to find your own peace which you need so desperately right now. I would love for you to consider basic meditation of some sort. (bear with me. ) Meditation is very relaxing and is experienced on many levels. Many doctors prescribe it to eliminate stress as it has proven to be successful eliminating even some diseases in the body. I have found it gives my mind clarity and helps me first of all to understand myself better, making sense of events, situations and happenings in my life... helping me to forgive others and even myself for past hurts and in general helping me to wash away much worry and clutter I have harbored over the years... Those people who sit quietly also discover a peace steal over them...unexplainable yet enabling them to progress with greater justification and faith that life is as it should be... that we are just beginning an awesome journey of the heart, soul and mind. And for most of us with our dominate human instincts that is all we need to climb “just a little higher”... a little higher in knowledge of all areas of self and world...

There are thousands upon thousands of ways to meditate. here is one of the simplest of ways...I ask you to find a peaceful spot outside. It does not have to be quiet... That is a mistaken assumption that to meditate we must have quiet. Anyway, Find a comfortable spot...away from the ants that don’t seem to have the same reverence for our human undertakings. Take a deep but gentle breath...again...and again. Observe the ebb and flow of life around you. Whether you are in a sheltered natural setting or a busy city street there is beauty to behold. Look with eyes opened to this beauty you might have missed and be grateful. Now close your eyes and if the sun is out feel the warmth as if touches your skin from on High. Feel the warmth of this Light...remembering this same light...part of the light of revelation you experienced in your young life. All things are part of the one the initial elements the beginnings of Life. Feel the wind the gentle breeze and wonder where it has been what it has seen.Try to envisage your body as light and buoyant as a feather on the wind. Enjoy the flow of movement in your mind.. Now with closed eyes listen to the sounds you hear around you...in your mind name as many as you can and listen really listen for those sounds your mind has blocked to eliminate clutter. Enjoy the abundant noise that greets your ears.. Now tune your senses to what lies inside of you. Can you hear/feel your heart? .. It’s rhythmic beating and the flow of life in your veins? Breathe deeply. Enjoy the sensation of breath entering your lungs filling them with life giving oxygen and then release the air from its bondage. Your body is a precious thing...it is capable of wonderful things, scientific insights that will move humanity or the simple joys of gifting of yourself in friendship and love to those around you... You are a unique and entirely precious human being in your own right and much loved by beings you do not recognize yet who need no recognition. As you begin to sense the Love that is all around you you can feel the peace grow like a seed within you...not in leaps and bounds perhaps, but gradually as YOU discover your own path...your own destiny in this world and some day beyond.

Dear Steven, as I stated earlier I would love nothing better than to relieve you of your anxieties and worries of the beyond... I could tell you that death is a door, an opening to an existence and worlds beyond that are beyond our imaginings...That we will not be sitting on clouds but will be actively learning and pursuing continued knowledge...continued knowledge of both scientific and spiritual wisdom as the universe is both...all intertwined together... Yet this is what I have discovered... what you discover will light your inner fires and wipe away your fears once and for all...It will begin as your truth... and progress into the Truth of the Ages in eternity to come... You will not need some one else to confirm or deny it. They cannot. It can only be experienced by you. It is your journey...not mine, not theirs...YOUR JOURNEY! It will be a good one...it always is!

Love to you,
Sandy

[Geoff]

Dear Steven,

Welcome.

This is a road you have to walk, I am afraid. While people can "talk at you", the only thing that will get you anywhere, are the steps you take.

Being agnostic is a very reasonable thing, and many if not most people, honest people, go though that stage. I also do not subscribe to "blind faith", one has to see and experience more than that, I am afraid. to satisfy me.

For sure you are too young to be consumed by thoughts of death. Ironically I have no fear of death. I have done such research as has satisfied me absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt that consciousness does not end, unless we make that choice. And I even ended up writing a book on "Getting the Hell Out of Here". But I doubt very much it will help you. What I do know, is that if you ask the Universe to help, help will arrive. But, it kinda depends on the level of your agnosticism, as to whether you might do that. You might find one or other of George's books interesting, because they are full of totally weird stuff that has happened in his life. But of course that's in HIS life.

love,
Geoff

[Daddy - O]

Hi Steven,

Welcome

You said:

Can anyone here help me feel better?

I think that this all comes down to YOU; however, (I believe) there is a lot of assistance 'out there' to guide you through this elusive journey. I can understand your skepticism and desire to associate your beliefs with information that makes sense and has a scientific foundation. Reading your post, I get the impression that you are searching for Balance and Truth. I think that there are times in life where you have to just 'let go' and explore possibilities that you may otherwise find ludicrous. I think that Geoff stated it perfectly when he said:

What I do know, is that if you ask the Universe to help, help will arrive.

Give it a try...however, do not expect celestial beings to materialize in front of you...,or to have your numbers come up in the Lotto...,or other "miraculous" events. Keep an eye out for the subtleties; these usually come in the form of situations, scenarios, words, people, events, movies, music, etc., that tug at your Heart strings and they "feel" or "ring" True and might perhaps evoke the sense or feelings of: Love, Compassion, Empathy, Beauty, Wonder, Amazement, Humility, Goodness, etc. When you recognize these truths or feelings--acknowledge them; not only to yourself, (and I realize that this might be a bit difficult), but try to acknowledge the unseen forces that are orchestrating these subtle events in your life and the way they are making you feel. You had asked if anyone here can help you feel better--Give this a try, and just see how it goes, because at the end of the day, it is all up to YOU. I believe that our consciousness is infinite; therefore, physical death is kind of irrelevant.

Love,
Daddy - O

[sammy]

Welcome to the Board Steven

Wow, you received some great responses there! Since I can't add anything to that I thought I'd just say hello, and wish you the best in your life journey - no matter what path you choose to explore.

LOVE!!!!
Sammy

[Krystalshard]

Yes, Welcome!
I have found that when you finally stop and listen to your "self" rather than the many influences and ideas boppin' around, you will find a peace and silence that is perfect. Then you can hear your own connection to All That Is.
Noise. Our world is full of it; and most the time it's just others trying to figure it all out too. If you can fathom a world so perfectly ordered as to biologically support life itself, then why not a greater spiritual purpose? To me seems kind of a waste to be here just to take up space and breath and eat and stuff. If you can consider that seeing as we are all human, and fallable, it gives us hope to know that there are those who are on the spiritual plane that are able to help us with this physical journey, and our next step of exixtence.
Being the best person you can be is the best place to start.
I hope my thoughts for you are helpful.

Peace,
Jean

[inlikeflint]

Recently I've been having a very troubling time coming to grips with the notion that my consciousness will one day end. -Steven

Something you can try before you go to sleep is to program yourself. (It's easy.)
Before you go to sleep take a few deep breaths and tell yourself to stay awake and alert while your body sleeps.
Then breathe in an out and listen to your body breathing and relax. Try this a few nights in a row just to see what happens. (If you have nothing better to do.)

What is your diet like?
(What do you eat and drink from day to day?)
Have you ever considered fasting or changing your eating routine?
How much water do you drink a day?

Welcome to the board.
Hang around for a while.

[Shyvan]

I just recently changed my diet, I'm basically just counting calories, but I haven't been drinking a whole lot recently. However it's mostly just been water when I have drank. And no, I have no considered fasting.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to respond, I appreciate it and you've really said some things to help. It's wonderful to meet new people and I hope my stay here will be welcomed.

As for the 11:11 phenomenon, recently I've been more mindful about it. Even going so far as to ask these "midwayers" to give me more signs of their existence. And I have seen more instances of times that contain all of the same number. But I have to ask myself one thing, does my brain not have an internal clock that can kind of detect when those times could occur? I don't know... It's possible wouldn't you say? I also asked to see if they would mess with the electricity in my room but nothing. If they have power over electricity and if they are able to turn off and on streetlights than why not the lights in my room?

I suppose once a skeptic, always a skeptic?

I've been doing research on NDE's and OBE's and although a lot of scientists claim to have significant evidence pointing in the direction of afterlife I feel like their numbers are skewed and misleading. One scientist claiming he has over 1300 cases of NDE's across many different ages and religions is interesting but what does it actually prove? If you are studying only people who have had the experience then that number will just gradually continue to grow. It doesn't take into account the vast majority of people who don't experience it. Which, from what I hear, is a much much much bigger number. So can we not attribute NDE's to some sort of REM/brain chemical situation?


Thinking about all this only makes me feel worse. I guess I do need to try meditating. I need to do something. Maybe I should find a therapist to talk to?

[Geoff]

If they have power over electricity and if they are able to turn off and on streetlights than why not the lights in my room?

As an electrical engineer, I cant precisely answer that. Why do they turn off street lights, and not home lights. Doesn't each street light have a detector switch to detect day/night and therefore than can be easily altered? Possibly. In fact very likely.

One scientist claiming he has over 1300 cases of NDE's across many different ages and religions is interesting but what does it actually prove? If you are studying only people who have had the experience then that number will just gradually continue to grow. It doesn't take into account the vast majority of people who don't experience it. Which, from what I hear, is a much much much bigger number. So can we not attribute NDE's to some sort of REM/brain chemical situation?

There is no doubt that the brain shutting down has an impact that affects those in the dying process. Heck even Judas told me that when I asked him why some people claim to see tunnels, and others don't. It turns out tunnels don't exist. If you are into wanting some scientific research, one of the most amazing into this sort of thing, is "Twenty cases suggestive of reincarnation." Its very dry reading, but absolutely fascinating, and it will "prove" that weird stuff goes on. I don't personally believe in reincarnation, but I bought that book to see what he had to say. And I would recommend it as "proof that weird stuff happens"

By the by, a single unexplained event is enough to blow a "general theory" The fact that there are 10000 cases supporting the theory is not proof, if there is one that refutes it. That one needs an answer. And that's the problem with 20 cases. It has two that blow the reincarnation theory.

Maybe I should find a therapist to talk to?

If its bothering you that much, I certainly would advise that.

love,
Geoff

[happyrain]

hi shyvan. cool story with the four leaf clover. also neat super natural experiences. i just wanted to say, i've had what i thought was a NDE. maybe it wasn't though. i overdosed or mixed things i shouldn't have and had an OD type reaction. rolled around on the floor for a bit having mini siezures. there were no flashing lights. no tunnels. just confusion. i was cold. the part that scares me is as you said, the loss of something. i've been trying to understand if this concern of mine is ego based and whether that's a good thing or not. after all i don't think ego is such a bad thing. anyways, at one point during all this i began to lose my voice. the voice of reason ? the one you hear inside your head, reading these words. i could no longer associate this voice as mine and soon it became noise. but, noise prevailed none the less. for me it wasn't a fading away but a feeling of being peeked between two extremes. i almost couldn't recognize my friends when they were there helping me. through all this though, something was still there. i don't know if i can call that something me. maybe it was just the body operating. recording, witnessing. but still, there's more. . . i only scratch the surface and find it hard to articulate but think even if i were to lose my voice, a part of me belongs to something else. i can't say for sure though and even now it's still a scary concept. in truth i share to relate our fears. but, we all are going to die sooner or later. i can die tonight. . . but i don't want to spend the last of my hours worried about it. there are just some things you take as they come, even if that means being afraid. i think when it's my time i'll be scared. perhaps meditation and breathing can calm the process. but, idk- there's more to think about. i think maybe your initial fear posted here is like a gateway to even deeper revelation with things concerning spirit or supernatural occurrance. i can't tell you not to think about it, but if it's truly bothersome- would you want to go day by day scared of something we all must face ? look for the things you've come to appreciate and enter the unknown with those feelings.(sometimes its hard, bu alwaysnice to recenter ones self) our moods change so fast butyou alreadyknow all of this. you're your best advisor/self healer. focus on perception, challenge yourself and try to find some good out of your fears. question, anything and everything. let the answers come in time though through your experience here- now, while you are still alive. good luck, i praywe both find peace in this area. thanks,potential friend. if i don't see you again bye.just wanted to share n ty for this thread

[LurkerAbyss]

Hey Steven, welcome to the board.

Firstly, I read your full post but I have not read the replies so forgive me if anything said is redundant.

I have never been an overly skeptical person, but like you, I am a deeply logical person. Not in spite of that, I am also a deeply spiritual person, and I find those two qualities go hand in hand.

On that note, I sense that you are a pretty spiritual person yourself. Of course, that in no way means religious or superstitious or anything that may seem "out there", but raw personal spirituality is something that I think is a natural thing and an important part of the free-willed consciousness experience that human beings uniquely possess on this planet.

Although I could ramble on for ages about my own interpretation of things that could possibly make sense to you, but I shall opt to just say a few things that are basic and straight to the point. I don't think it is illogical to observe how the entire universe we exist in is designed so absolutely perfectly and intricately that even the slightest fraction of change in the makeup of it would result in a radically different and virtually imperceptible universe that is not conducive to life. Point is, I think that the design of our own free-will consciousness is a wonderful, amazing, and powerful but often misused and misunderstood creation and tool. I also think that it would take such a powerful free-willed consciousness to conceive a universe designed in as perfect order as it is, and to design a reflection of itself that we as human beings actually experience.. and from there you could go into "grand consciousness" and "oneness" and such but I am happy to respond to a private message if you wish to chat further about such matters.

I just got really tired and started daydreaming so much that I forgot a bunch of what I was originally going to say, but I at least just wanted to respond to you because I sincerely want to try to help.

Love
Lucky

[Shyvan]

I would like that, to private message. But I wouldn't know even where to start. I'm just so scared. I just need someone to help...

[happyrain]

shyvan you have to shake yourself out of this and help yourself. many here have already given you wonderful advice and even then, there remains an unsettling force within. . . think about it, and do this for you. nice to see your post again. . .

[sammy]

Hmmm...rain wrote:

shyvan you have to shake yourself out of this and help yourself. many here have already given you wonderful advice and even then, there remains an unsettling force within. . . think about it, and do this for you.

Good advice, but sometimes easier said than done. I have been in a terrible funk for a couple of weeks. Usually I can pull myself out of it, but I was in deep...borderline panic. I-AM posted some videos on another thread and BAM! I"m back...I couldn't do it for myself on this occasion. Try the videos!

LOVE!!!!
Sammy

[LurkerAbyss]

Steven,

I'd like to add something that I totally overlooked for some reason, I suppose I was just too tired. After going over your original post again, I realize one of your main concerns is the "death" of the consciousness. Although I am no expert on death and "the other side", I can honestly say that I have come so much to terms with death at such a young age that I have absolutely no fear of it. To be honest with you, in my heart I have actually embraced the idea of death as the glorious crowning moment of my life, and although I love to live, a part of me looks forward to the next chapter.

I don't believe that consciousness ends, as I believe "consciousness" (albeit a far greater version of it) is the same eternal force that wills all things into being and even recreates and "experiences" itself through the free willed mind of time-space (human mind). If anything, I think after death, our consciousness actually becomes MORE real. Ultimately it is up to you if you believe in humans having a "soul", but if there's any part of you that feels like there is a version of ourselves beyond just flesh and blood and brain and mind, then consider this.. I think that our consciousness beyond death might be comparable to our consciousness in dreams.. in dreams, our mind is taken to very powerful, deep, and mysterious places that may not always be understandable, but pull images and thoughts and feelings from the realm of consciousness and subconsciousness.. and perhaps you could say that it feels like even "superconsciousness" bleeds into our dreams. I think that in our dreams we feel like we experience a much more "naked" version of our own consciousness.. our dreams often pit us against truths, symbols, and feelings that we may fear, ignore, deny, or be unaware of in real life.. so I think that after death, we will have an extremely raw and honest consciousness that makes our life on earth seem dream like, and we will be able to understand how the powerful decisions we made with our free will have shaped our soul.. essentially our "soul" or "post-death consciousness" is probably the true, real version of ourselves that we CREATE OURSELVES, because with our free will we basically have the most powerful freedom in the universe to choose what our "real consciousness" is going to be like.

It is my personal hunch that a human being who chooses to live in fear and often fills their mind with thoughts or feelings of fear, danger, confusion, etc. is going to experience a fearful and confused type of reality after death, because this is what their "earth consciousness" has focused on. Just my two cents

Love
Lucky

[hmm]

I see prompts a lot. Maybe more than some and maybe less than others. I too was once where you are, not sure what was true or real. But for some reason I was chosen to receive the prompts. I am grateful beyond words because they sent me down a path of enlightenment that begins now and will continue for an eternity.

When I was agnostic as you are now the only thing I ever really feared was going to hell for not having enough faith. I never really feared that there would be nothing after death because if that turned out to be the case what would it matter? If at death you just cease to exist then you won't know anything ay all any more. I am not saying that you should feel that way too, but my point is regardlessof what may or may not happen when you die, don't let the fear of death keep you from enjoying the gift of the life you have been given.

[Shyvan]

Steven,

It is my personal hunch that a human being who chooses to live in fear and often fills their mind with thoughts or feelings of fear, danger, confusion, etc. is going to experience a fearful and confused type of reality after death, because this is what their "earth consciousness" has focused on. Just my two cents

Love
Lucky

If I were to believe in any sort of afterlife, in my mind there wouldn't be a selection or a karma-based system. If the soul does indeed exist and I am growing, how is fear something that should tarnish my existence beyond? If anything I see it more as a real way to grow. It is something we all must face, is it not?

[LurkerAbyss]

Steven,

It is my personal hunch that a human being who chooses to live in fear and often fills their mind with thoughts or feelings of fear, danger, confusion, etc. is going to experience a fearful and confused type of reality after death, because this is what their "earth consciousness" has focused on. Just my two cents

Love
Lucky

If I were to believe in any sort of afterlife, in my mind there wouldn't be a selection or a karma-based system. If the soul does indeed exist and I am growing, how is fear something that should tarnish my existence beyond? If anything I see it more as a real way to grow. It is something we all must face, is it not?

I am not saying that a constant mindset of fear is going to tarnish the existence beyond, because "tarnished" is a matter of opinion and perspective of the beholder. All I am saying is that you will attract to yourself and your soul whatever you choose to focus all of your thought energy on. If it is fear that you choose to give in to and nurture in your mind, then it is fear that you will produce as energy physiologically and spiritually.

The human free-willed consciousness is an extremely powerful tool and significant experience. It seems a bit juvenile to think that how it is used and what creations you draw from that power will have no effects and manifestations on the inner world (yourself and your experience) as well as the outer world (the universe and planet around us, full of energy, and how it responds to our thought energy and personal vibrations).

Love
Lucky

[Geoff]

All I am saying is that you will attract to yourself and your soul whatever you choose to focus all of your thought energy on. If it is fear that you choose to give in to and nurture in your mind, then it is fear that you will produce as energy physiologically and spiritually.

Indeed that is how it works. Because its YOUR choice. As Sammy reminds me, because I once wrote:

What you think about you CREATE. Live in fear, and you will create a life full of fear for yourself. Live in love, and you will create a life full of love. The choice is yours. - Geoff

love,
Geoff