11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Use this forum to ask or post about 11:11, 12:34, 2:22, 22:22 etc. The wake-up digital clock signals of our loving celestial friends. They also delight in flicking on or off street lights, traffic lights and ringing door bells.
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Geoff »

Amen to that Sandy.

love,
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy »

Well said Sandy :sunflower: :sunflower:

Dave - :love

LOVE!!!!
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by luvinlife »

Wow.....there aren't many words to describe how I feel reading these posts. Just that everyone here is absolutely a beautiful soul.

Love, Clare
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man »

"Right on" Clare! YEAH!

I'm telling all of you, there's something going on? I can't explain it...Its just happening...I've been at the meditative prayer thing, and not even so much at times, but its kinda strange that a lot of the negativity is like melting away...The loss, although I recognize it, I'm realizing more? I can't explain that either...Somehow I was put in her life for a reason, and as many times you'd hear someone say something like that, now I truly believe it.

I just stopped in for some sort of "progress report"...I will say I was literally crying out in agony for a while here for a "emergency 911" kind of intervention before I lost my will to live, not by suicide, but just dying. Just giving up and as I was crashing, somehow its stopping?

People, my friends, proud to call you that, I don't know if its just life going on, but somehow I'm woken at 430 AM and can't explain it either? Its waking me up while I'm having a regular old dream...Its been going on for nights now...So far its woken me up where I've kept my eyes closed. Opened them, nothing. No voices or anything, just kind of odd? My days, I am back to working, getting things done, its like baby steps to self actualization again...

I can't thank you all enough for the kindness, prayers, and help here...I feel like I'm getting back to being in the "drivers seat" of life? Too quick? I don't think so, can't happen fast enough...

Much love all! And believe me, I'm praying for you guys also :)

Love, Dave
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Petra Wilson »

{{{{{Dave}}}}} and the rest of my fellow 11er's. I've been following this thread but
had nothing to share to help you Dave, anyway, everyone else gave you better advice
than I ever could. But I kept you and your finace in my prayers.
Keep strong!

Love to all, Petra xx
ॐ LOVE Petra
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Tiggy »

Oh Dave, I'm so pleased that you are now getting back into that 'Drivers seat' of life again. I want to thank you for starting this thread because you are helping me come to terms with someone I have just recently lost in my life. I would like to mention her if you all don't mind. Her name was Shahina, is Shahina. I met her quite by accident last year, at a particularly low time in my life. She was running a self help group about healing the heart and felt I needed to come....so I did.....just like that. She was the most inspirational , wonderful, wise, and beautiful person I've ever met. She helped me to heal myself from the inside....from the heart....and to respond to life rather than react. She taught me to find the balance between my heart and my unwanted thoughts and how to let go of the past and all the hurt done to me and all the hurt I'd allowed to be done to myself....and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and the legacy she has left in my heart. She was mean't to come into my life.....like you were meant to be in your fiance's life. I think that in their own way they were great teachers who we can now both learn from....learn about ourselves through the time we spent with them.....and there are so many lessons to be learned in life. Like you, my negativity is melting away and I am begining to trust my own instincts, my own self worth and it is a wonderfully exciting discovery......We and many here, have had great losses in our lives but I find that through my own personal loss of losing my dear friend Shahina she has actually helped me to 'Live again' ....she helped me to understand and appreciate who I am and what I can give to others.....and yes I too feel that a higher power had a great influence in the chance of us two meeting in the first place......but I can say that to you too Dave......because you coming here and starting this wonderful thread has already touched peoples hearts like my friend Shahina.............thankyou for sharing your story and I hope and pray that you too will learn and heal from your personal loss in time and see yourself in a brand new light...........that light is already in you Dave, it's in all of us and it will shine through..........if we let it....and when it does it starts a spark in others.....like you have done here on this thread.

Love to all you lovely people....I mean that.
Tiggy :loves
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Tiggy »

:hithere If you all don't mind, I'm going to post a poem that I wrote when my talking therapy course finsished with Shahina. I just wanted you to try and understand how much I learned from her and that even though my life has been filled with alot of negativity, I'm now turning it around and making it all a positive learning experience.

Tiggy :loves
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy »

Hi Dave,
I feel like I'm getting back to being in the "drivers seat" of life? Too quick? I don't think so, can't happen fast enough...
Emotions after such a life trauma can be such a roller coaster. I hope it sticks :finger: , but if you happen to find yourself going back down hill here is a little ((((HUG)))) in advance.

I am very thankful that you have such wonderful friends and support (both here and around you). And how wise of you to allow yourself to open up to receive all this love and support - not to mention the ability to rely on the law of prayer to assist you during such a time. You are on quite a wonderful path!

LOVE!!!!
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Sandy »

Hello beautiful souls,

((((((TIGGY)))))))) I just realized I haven't said hello to you yet... :oops: nor told you how thrilled I am to see you back sharing bits and pieces of yourself, your own love and wisdom with the rest of us...How you have been missed...but it sounds as if the intervening time has been well spent in learning and growing and developing improved ways of looking at life and becoming its master instead of its slave. I just read your very special poem in the prayers section. ( thread gone ) Thank you, sis, for letting us too share a little bit of the essence that was and is your friend Shahina. :kiss:

(((((((Dave)))))) I am ever so grateful to those beings of Light who are beside you even as we speak... Knowing they are there and that they care so much for our well being truly helps me when I are going through one of life's rough spots. Your courage and bravery to look tomorrow in the face and triumph has helped me more than you know.

As I am reading these latest posts I couldn't help but see an image in my mind from our long ago family trips to the beach. The four of us siblings would race into the ocean, armed with a couple of cheap plastic rafts and then in typical landlubber style and innocence pile onto them together as a group, hoping to catch the "perfect wave. (which of course rarely happened :lol: ) More often then not, we found ourselves at the bottom of the wave and driven into the sand. But as we clambered to our feet all bedraggled and dazed we looked at each other with sand dripping from our hair even a tiny crab or two in some instances...and laughed at our luck and then right back into the surf we'd go again...and again and again. Much like life isn't it? :) Isn't life better when we have others around us to experience the highs and even the lows with us... and even brush the seaweed from our hair every once in awhile? :lol:
Over the years more than one of you has pulled me from the sands and encouraged me to race back into the surf to try again and for this love and support I am eternally grateful... :loves

((((((((((EVERYBODY))))))))))))))
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy »

Awww! Sandy! That was a beautiful analogy for life! I'm going to try to remember that image next time I face plant in the sand!

LOVE!!!!
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Tiggy »

(((((((Sandy))))))) :kiss:
You make everyone here feel so welcome........I'm so glad to be back in that warm glow of LOVE. I do so enjoy reading your little pearls of wisdom, like Sammy said :hithere the way you come up with your little analogies of life is just.......... beautiful. You always make me smile :)

Love to All :) :loves
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man »

Faceplants in the sand...

Yes, it happens...Just when your "thinking" you're getting back on track the sine wave hits harder at time-...The guilt from the email I still question, I'm only human, my friend had read it, says to me "Dave, the only thing I get from it is that she was driving you insane!" My friend from the AZ National Guard has been in constant contact from the start, he's been really supportive in the way of "look, you may *think* your doing ok, but I know your not, I just want you to be more aware of whats going on with you, and being rational...This isn't something thats going to go away ever, but you have to recognize what your doing and how your doing it so you don't fall prey to a mistake, bad judgement, or irrational thoughts that YOU aren't even aware of...I'm not harping on you, and not trying to be offensive but just as a friend I'm telling you"...

Now whats hitting me is that here I was with another person, the one I loved, where we had the deepest of communication going...I feel I let her down, and she trusted me. There was nowhere I could go anymore. And now the waves of the pain from breaking, cutting her off, and abandoning are hitting. Its bad. I know it will come and go, but down is pretty bad place to be now...

Her "note" included that "Dear "friends", This will end when it ends, and I'm suspecting it will be soon. I have lost faith in everyone, and have been deprived of all emotional contact in the most loving manner"

While I've planed off on bottom here, I know another high is coming...I'm still talking to her, telling her I love her, I'm sorry, and that I wish that she just would have opened up to me and not burdened herself with wanting to "OWN" all the pain, embarrassment, shame, guilt, that she was loading herself up with...She was very guarded, and stubborn about things in general. Always saying "don't tell anyone anything about this or that because they'll use it against you"...Now, EVERYONE KNOWS her problems, had she decided to have a go at getting help in private, she may still be here, and had one awesome support system between all the people that cared about her.

I know there's lessons here to be learned, typically the hindsight thing. Why wasn't I looking at things before? I tried to get her to reverends, anything, although she said "What the heck if you really wanna go this route, its ludicrous at best..." but in reality, I believe she had her end LONG in the plan before anything else would have reached her? She was reaching out in a way in the end to me, I just couldn't take watching her kill herself with the drink/sleeping pills and the other things she was on...I couldn't do it. In response to Geoffs look, the considerable damage now is that I emptied myself so deep it was my survival (both literally and emotionally) that I was trying to preserve...I did do what I could to be cruel and mean with the email, but it was to make her AWARE of what she's become, and it was her turn to stand up...She chose an alternative route.

Just feeling guilty here today, just sad, its 3 weeks tomorrow she took her final walk down the stairs into oblivion...Tomorrow is Sunday here, Oct 9th...Her memorial service, and here I just have to hopefully start a sincere, honest, strong attempt at getting either over, around, or beyond this in real life. As I've been here typing over the past, its as though I'm "still in the game" as a frail human, whereas you all have been watching from the sidelines...It was the same way in our relationship as my other friends watched this go on.

As I reflect on our coming together, it was the most unconventional way that we did...When we first talked last October, I was walking uphill from a football game, and she was leaving down the drive. We had 15 seconds to run into each other-something she always mentioned about "we were meant to be" because that tiny time frame...And the following months until I even mentioned to my mom "I know she's going to call me" and within 2 weeks she did...Feb 6/7th...Still trying to figure my role in her life? Was it just that for once she got the love from me that she never had anywhere else in her life? A life she had where everyone abused and used her? Where I never would take anything at all from her...She once mentioned to me "I have great insurance, a nice home, a great job"...I leaned up on my elbows "and it means nothing to me, I have you, I need nothing from you hon"...

Ahhh, memories...They're haunting, causes a lot of crying/pain...

This Tuesday will be a month that we've been out on the boat...I've not been back to it since, but its time to end the season...It was one of the places she truly enjoyed.

Seems at times I go back to square one, and start over...

I've been meditating as best I can, and praying for any peace. Calling out for that "emergency platoon" to come to aid with anything. I've been honest with myself for what I may have caused, but know in the end it wasn't me...It just wasn't, this was going down whether or not I was there, she might have taken me with her (?), and there was nothing I could do...I've prayed for forgiveness had I lent a hand in her doing what she did because of pressing an already emotionally distraught and fragile person over the edge with holding a figurative mirror in her face of what she degenerated into...I cut hard and deep and meant to hurt her. Tough love as an old GI that I am? I think so...I know she wasn't a soldier, but dammit, I wanted to be heard for once...Her ex roommate of 8 years told me "Dave, NO ONE has EVER told her the truth about herself, they were too afraid"...I, at the time, was over the top fed up, and felt such a mean streak for her blatant disregard and becoming the truest sociopath after drinking...And, if I feel anything, her ex roommate of 8 years said she has put her through this for that entire time...She had to check the smoke alarms every night in the event she fell asleep on the floor with a lit cigarette while listening to this song "gravity" on repeat 90 times...

People, what was I thinking? What was I doing? Here in the aftermath, its lonely...I am, in the most genuine way just hoping for peace to come to me, or be given a path to truly get there...We were put together for a reason, why am I doing all of this searching now in the end? Is it that I was supposed to be there for her, but once she couldn't pull out actually "get in her head" with an email to make her take a look and if she so chose - take herself out of the picture before she did harm someone else? She actually offered to kill a coworkers problematic boyfriend or whatever he was, the girl tells me she was serious...That's why she feels she was close to this end also...

I'm sorry to whine, I know I'm safe here to do it and have the support and prayers, I love you guys for it all, nowhere has anyone shown so much genuine concern...I'm also, in the real life, finding out how cold and callous people really are over this with their comments of "I'd have gotten rid of THAT real quick" never caring about the genuine love that was there. If I didn't care, and didn't love her, why would I have stuck it out hoping and just being there?

Everyone predicted there would be days like these, ha, I didn't think so, thought I was on solid ground just a few days ago, but who am I kidding. This is real, there IS someone gone by their own hand, this is tragic, but I'm still telling her I love her despite it all, her flaws, weaknesses, embarrassment, shame, guilt, and pain...Still praying for her...Asking anyone from my side to help her, to reach out a hand to her for guidance and safety...To get her to a better place if she's not already there...

One thing about Ash that I've not really went into was how intelligent she really was...She was truly "gifted"...Although tortured, she was one of the brightest intellects I've ever had been around of the romantic opposite...She "got it"...Now, watching that degrade, spiral, screaming "there is no f'in God!" and the other blasphemous things religious wise...I dunno?

Wow folks, from one up to one down...I'm not here to bring anyone down honestly, I'm happy I have a place to try to find answers...Or peace at the very least, which I do get from reading your postings here. I am *still* in the game, you great folks are cheering me from the sidelines...I do thank all of you with much love, and thank you for listening to me ramble today! This is not something I wish to burden anyone with, but I know the words here keep things going...

With mucho' loves

Dave
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man »

Hmmm kind of odd? I re-read that...Its like --> I <-- feel like an alcoholic who has slipped back into the bottle with the repetitiveness of it....

Yeeesh...Gonna go pound my head off the driveway!

{{{{{{{{{{ all }}}}}}}}}}
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man »

Even more funny, take a look at the hat in my pic...Yep, its an 11, totally forgot that Staal hat (Pens Hockey) had it on there...
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy »

((((Dave))))

I don't think you'd be human if you didn't slip back and forth with these emotions. I really can not fathom what you are going through, I have only logical guesses. From a purely psychological stand point, it sounds as though you are "progressing" through the stages of grief rather nicely. Ok, that just sounds wrong..."rather nicely"...but the process of grief is like 1 step forward 2 steps back, but somehow, at some point, you end up on the upside of things and can get back to truly living life, and it sounds like you are making progress. I would suspect with a love as deep as you had, and with such a traumatic ending this will crop up in your mind from time to time even years down the road.

From reading your post it sounds like you really need to forgive yourself. I am not saying you did anything wrong...as a matter of fact, I can't imagine that many people would have stayed in the game as long as you did. (Not yelling in this next part, just trying to type with "emphasis") But YOU - sound like YOU - feel like you made a mistake by sending that email. At some point, when you are ready, you will need to walk yourself through that and "let it go". KNOW that your dear one is working through her issues in the hands of beings far more loving and forgiving than we will ever meet here on this earth....forgive yourself.

Also - I'm glad that you are comfortable posting about all the emotions you are going through...there is a palpable difference in the "vibe" of your posts after you've vented your "icky" emotions. And who knows, maybe all this typing will help you get back to love and light.

LOVE!!!!
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Sandy »

Dear Dave,
You have been dealt one of the harshest of life situations in this present moment... something all of us would struggle with for some time... and for some it could become a crippling blow one nearly impossible to heal from...as it tears at your very fabric of existence with the word resounding over and over again the “why?” You dealt with the situation as it unfolded as best that you could and better, I suspect, then anybody else could have... And in the aftermath of tragedy typically, we humans begin to turn to hindsight trying to make some sense of it all. Hind sight, in reality, is no sight at all and so you must now try very hard to release yourself from any attempt to take blame for what she did to herself. She gave you no choice but to back off and to place the mirror of self examination in her face. SHE gave you no choice. Perhaps that is what she wanted...perhaps she wanted to revel in her misery and you, the bright spot in her life reminded her that there was an out that she did not wish to take... Please forgive me if I sound harsh on her behalf. I can assure you I am not and my heart aches for what is gone... and what could have been.

Her life essence has moved on... but she is not gone and will have a new life of sorts to heal and to learn...This is not her end as sad an earthly end as there could be... No, it is a new beginning for her and in a strange way, darlin, for you too. There is hope for her and for all of us who struggle with the day to day experiences we ensconce so tightly within each of our human cells. There is hope.

I’m not sure how you will feel about this..but I am wondering if you have considered finding a victim’s group in your area, one filled with other people, who like you, have been hurt and levelled by the untimely passing of some one they love. Sometimes this helps and is a valuable tool that helps in the managing of the day to day living and in the moving on and learning to enjoy the beauty of life once again. Think about it anyway, okay?

We are with you dear brother, in thought and in spirit. And so, tomorrow as you remember your Ash, we are beside you... supporting you as best we can from near and from far.
May the Source of all unconditional Love give you comfort and peace forever and a day. (((((((DAVE))))))))

With Love Always,
Sandy
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by theunim »

Welcome to Dave (Rather late on my part) and hello to everyone else...

Read the first few postings days ago and only got the moment now to finally respond a little bit...can't say much myself, but I am rooting for you all the way. :) In good time, you will have a great future ahead of you, I'm sure! In the meantime, I second Sandy's suggestion to possibly find a group that can help you deal with the feelings that you have concerning your fiance's death. I think it would be another super way to help you sort things out.

I wish you well!

Love,
Theunim
Oh, my friend,
all that you see of me
is just a shell,
and the rest belongs to love.

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The pure love of one soul can offset the hatred of millions. ~ Gandhi
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Shaku55 »

Dave,

Dude you have been through the ringer and I feel for you. <manhug>

I spent three hours sitting here trying to shed light on your experience. Ask anyone here, I'm not short of words. But something inside or out is holding me back. That's perhaps good because I can be blunt at times and you probably don't need that right now.

But ponder this; babies cry when they are born because their little heads are squeezed out this tiny hole into a very cold and bright place. Someone CUTS OUR LIFELINE AND THEN SPANKS US, all while a room full of giants poke, squeeze and puts their lips on us!

God has a sick sense of humor if you ask me. And some of the worst events in our life frequently turn out to be the best possible thing that could happen. And it frequently doesn't make sense for a long time, but sometimes a willing spirit and an open mind can speed things along.

God speed you on your healing.
~I will bend like a reed in the wind~
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man »

Hey folks, greetings! Much love for all!

Well, just stopping by to say hi and kind of a "progress" report if you can call it that? I went to Ashleys memorial service on Sunday, and as it added closure to some things, it opened up other wounds in some ways...Nothing really bad though, I'm kind of getting a wider spectrum to look at here I'm believing...After talking with so many people over the past few weeks, I'm sort of "calming down" with the whole distraught rant I've been on. Not saying that every day or every evening there isn't tears, but the way things are going, and the more information that flows this or that way it helps somewhat...Also, just more insight as things pass by. When she was at her Psychs/counselors she always hid the fact that she was drinking from them. I know this to be fact now, and she was getting the adderal to lose weight. She wasn't a bit overweight, but all she had to do was stop drinking if she did in fact want to lose...Her being an RN she knew what to tell them to get whatever she wanted.

This whole thing starts off with a prayer session, songs, a speech by her sister saying that Ash had a "storm" in her...Well, she did. I knew it, they knew it, and well, there was NO way to turn it off in a person obsessed with dying...Eventually, we all end up outside releasing balloons as we "let her go"...She said those same words to me that Tuesday evening "you have to let me go..." after watching her norma jean/marilyn monroe movie as I said, while into a pint of so of vodka...

I'm moving through these stages of grief it seems, rather fast? Sometimes I get caught up and can't think of anything else all day, and I'm just kidding myself if I do think I can just get moving. It truly is depressing...But, as this is unfolding, and what I'm finding to be pure spite and meanness, I'm still holding onto the love I have for the real her...Honestly, and this has been moving this way for some time, I can't not love her, and as bad as it seems I got beat on I do forgive her...The real her wouldn't mean to hurt anyone.

I started thinking about that recently, that she was obviously telling her counselors of the molestation thing that went on when she was a child, but something just didn't add up until some of this smoke had cleared? I mean 28 years of keeping that under wraps and letting it go completely wild and out of control 8 years ago just didn't seem right? As things are going by and statements being made of her past I'm now in complete understanding that there were a lot more things going in her life than what she was willing to admit, and/or let go...Its not right what went down for her, but she ultimately was in control of everything that went on...

Yanno, here we are, when I sent that email, I'm now thinking (and have been told) that "Dave, had she really loved you or wanted to fix any of the issues you mentioned she would have been saying something other than being mean or in the way she did this: spiteful and mean"...I'm thinking about it, she wanting me to find her that way, dressed in what I got her, her leaving that note, basically blaming me, well, she had almost a day and a half to STOP everything and not take another drink but to drive up to me for a change and say "I know I have a problem that I need to get straightened out and yes, I want this to work"...None of that happened...Nothing. As many times as I've talked her down before how could I know that this time she was "real" about this? I couldn't have...I did send that email to her, it was mean and meant to hurt, but any normal person would have said to their self "my God, look at what I've done, and how I've been, I NEED to go in another direction?" She didn't.

The things that have been running through my mind have really worn me down...Like this whole blaming myself, taking on the guilt, taking it all and carrying it until it makes a person not want to live...I just started looking at all the manipulations that have been going on now for some time. She didn't want to change anything, but still wanted me back, just go back to the same routine where I babysat her, and kept her from doing what she was so bent on doing for so long...I couldn't do it another day like I've said. I'm also taking a look at how I've been, and Geoff I believe asked (sorry if I'm repeating this) if I've done everything I could? Yes, I did...I was a good man in all of this...I loved her for all the right reasons, it wasn't an infatuation...I cared, I was there, I changed my whole life around to be there for and with her. Could she not see? There wasn't any control factors from me, other than I hated her drinking like she did and she already knew that...

With the help of a few outside friends, I've been given different views of the "game" I was in from the sideline input...I couldn't see things like her just not telling the whole truth to her people that were there to help her, not telling them she was drinking the way she was until passout after an ambien. Here I am mad at her again for taking the advantage of my goodness to watch over her and ask me "what was I doing" the next day...My friends had pointed out that "Dave, she may have loved you, but the desire to die was far greater than any love she had left within her"...

Nigel: My friends here, who have been around me during this constantly for the past 3 weeks have said "Dave, it was the Ashley A. Show! Starring Ashley A, and this poor dude who loved her in the role of "the heavy"...When I start to look back now, 3 weeks after they found her, and 4 weeks after this mayhem went down, I get the retrospective/introspective look at it all...Even one of the counselors from Suvivors of Suicide said that the next time I do speak to a professional to check on "battered spouse" issues...I was like "wait a minute, she did everything BUT deep fry me!" Naw, really, its a sad situation, but the guilt is rolling off...Like I said earlier, it wasn't me, she had a TON of chance and friends who didn't want to see her die in any way...She *chose* this, I ended up the whipping post of all of her anger, meanness, and spitefulness when she drank in the end. I wanted her to be "who she was" but she didn't, I was in the process of changing my life for her to have the opportunity to do whatever she wanted to do...My one friend today said "maybe its better you didn't get your property sorted and leased because you were only postponing the inevitable"...Really, looking back, I'm like "what would have happened if this happened 3 years down the road?" It *was* going to happen, Ash surrounded herself with dark things, had dark forces working on her, and had darkness around her. She found no happiness in life, and you can't breathe life into someone who doesn't want to live no matter what ya do...

One thing, and sometimes I'm dead nuts almost slow at times is, I loved...I loved her from my heart, and for all the right reasons...If what I didn't go through was for the sake of loving someone, I wouldn't have felt the other side of being burned by seeing it cast away to the toilet. But she, as I keep reminding myself, couldn't help herself, and was suffering deep depression, followed by drinking that was what I thought almost not humanly capable night after night...She was suffering big time.

Well, the boat came out yesterday. Season is over, a few good memories followed by other ones...Last time we were anywhere was out there on the water. She seemed to enjoy that out of thing things we did in the end...

Folks, I'm beat tired, sorry if I'm ramblin' and repeatin'...LOL...More clearer postings coming...

On the weirder side of things, something has been waking me up from a dead sleep between 4-5 every morning...Same time my mother said she heard our dog barking in the basement the night Ash did this (I didn't have him here, he was at Ashleys locked in the far away bedroom from the garage). I asked my mom "are you sure?" Absolutely, I heard Peanut barking in the basement, it woke me up...I think somehow he was channeling himself here? But anyway, yeah, first night, woke me out of a dream...Second night, woke me up so that I didn't open my eyes...I was trying to get a feel or hear something?" Opened eyes. Nothing...And its been continuing since...At one night it was like a conversation that she was telling me she was having trouble finding her way? Well, I don't know? Could be the stress of the whole thing which has me operating way above normal mode now...But it will work itself out in time...I have some ok feelings about it. It has no choice for me but to work out...Forward!

Much love to all! I'm finally going to bed

Love,

Dave
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Geoff »

SWPA_Man wrote:I started thinking about that recently, that she was obviously telling her counselors of the molestation thing that went on when she was a child, but something just didn't add up until some of this smoke had cleared? I mean 28 years of keeping that under wraps and letting it go completely wild and out of control 8 years ago just didn't seem right? As things are going by and statements being made of her past I'm now in complete understanding that there were a lot more things going in her life than what she was willing to admit, and/or let go...Its not right what went down for her, but she ultimately was in control of everything that went on...
Dear Dave,

If George was posting here, he would be able to explain how women TYPICALLY bottle up their anguish at being molested as a child, until it BURSTS out, often/usually in their mid thirties. That's the way it goes, QED.

love,
Geoff
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by lloyd »

Keep going, Dave. God bless. Funny about your 11 hat; I am a Pen's fan as well.
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Sandy »

Hello Dave,
You have been on my mind as the days follow days since Ashley has passed. Life goes on for most people but when the passing hits you square in the face sometimes it is hard to feel normal for awhile...You wonder if you will ever have what once was considered a normal day ever again. You will, but it begins just as you are now... in letting out what is inside you...sorting through the issues and how they affect you. You will never on this world ever know exactly what passed through your sweetheart's head what she clung to what she kept secreted away for her heart only...But with each breath you take, may the minutes become easier...then the hours, days, weeks and years. I want you to feel whole and to find happiness and that elusive peace. Earlier as you spoke of the boat and being out on the water I could feel the wind and sounds in that far away place. Such a comfort you find out there on lake, river and ocean...what is it about lapping water that soothes the soul and seems to unlock the closed places within ourselves... I had a small pond and creek that once cut through the property where I lived. I could sit there mesmerised for hours as I observed the play of life in this tiny ecosystem. but it was the water I think that cut through the fog in my brain and allowed something quiet and beautiful to slip in undetected. :happy
You are thought of in these family quarters every day as you embark on the painful task of sorting and understanding these past years. I haven't told you lately, but I am glad you are with us...glad you are a part of our family. You are strong even though you may not feel it right now as I observe a compassion and caring that few people possess. How many people do you think could have endured the long term heartache and still emerged victorious. Yes, you are victorious in a strange kind of way. You are alive... able to feel and to love again... to recognize beauty despite the images projected. You were/are nobody's fool, still able to say I loved with all my heart despite the odds... and pure unconditional Love is a very beautiful thing.

With love (((((((Dave)))))))
Sandy
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man »

Hey all, much love all around...

I have some things that have surfaced...Way more diabolical than anyone could imagine, and it was a really evil force that came into her life some 7-8 years ago. In retrospect, a person as gifted as she was, in the profession she was, somehow I thought she could have shelved or compartmentalized what had happened in her childhood. She was in counseling a lot longer than thought...One can only imagine the type of guilt, shame, fear, embarrassment, and hatred of life she had for what she had been exposed to...I'm not going to go into it, although no matter whatever it was-had she decided to not keep it so close and share it, she would have never been scrutinized, or looked down on...She just never knew how openly and unconditionally she was loved. She couldn't trust---Said a number of times "I have NO friends!"

I'm not kidding, and I don't know why this appeared, but it did and for whatever reason I'm not trying to throw guilt off myself for being the catalyst here...But, I am clearly not the sole reason for doing what she did. Let me put it this way: "the only way she could get out of whatever was pressing, and this *force* reentered her life heavily back in June, was to do what she did"...Really, the only way out.

I'm not mad, or shocked, or freaked out...I just wish she had the knowledge of what love is to just say "hey, some things have happened a long time ago, I need to talk, and if we're going to get married, I trust you as my life partner"...She couldn't even open up to me it was that bad...There was only one she could talk to, and that was that evil force. Because he was the only one that knew what she had experienced and held it over her.

Some day this will all come out...

Until then, I'm still the same romantic goob who loves her, and still talks to her telling her she's still loved and "dammit! WHY didn't you just open your mouth!" Another person of light works has came into the picture by chance. A lot has been coming together...

Guys, I'm beat! Much love to all!

Dave
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man »

Howdy folks! Much love, happiness, all around to you all!

I'm in the middle of reviewing a posting that's off in the wings...

Things haven't been the same here for some time. I'm moving forward, getting more and more prompts, I feel like something big is heading my way in life?

Been working with my Reiki Prac. and have been getting things realigned/moving...All was shut down except for the two bottom ones...

Made significant progress from a deep state of depression here. I still float back and forth a bit at times, stages I suppose?

I miss being here and posting, but I've been out "working" so to speak...

I also want to put down a lot of the negativity I have had here, from blaming, to outright madness, to saying bad things about Ash...I have to apologize, to her especially since she was such a private person. I ran off at the mouth and feelings pretty much because "I" didn't know what to do looking for answers, and such...I don't know, like I've said, there's no "handbook" for handling such a devastating loss, and emotional crisis that ensues...I just feel bad painting her in such a negative light. It wasn't "her" in the end, and exposing someones person like I have here I just feel, like I said, bad over it...She was truly gifted, and if for every equal and opposite action there is a reaction, well, by the negativity here you can imagine how wonderful on the other side she was...

Sandy, I dropped you a note explaining some of the things I experienced since I did follow your advice on the burning of a letter. Hard to do, can't say "good-bye" per se', more like I felt I had to "let her go" to healing and a "I'll catchya later, love" kind of thing...

Some significant things have happened, I'll share soon...

Much love all! I appreciate you people, thank you for all your love, help, prayers, words of encouragement, and such...

Dave
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy »

Welcome Home Dave!
I have to apologize, to her especially since she was such a private person. I ran off at the mouth and feelings pretty much because "I" didn't know what to do looking for answers, and such...I don't know, like I've said, there's no "handbook" for handling such a devastating loss, and emotional crisis that ensues...I just feel bad painting her in such a negative light.
Please don't feel bad! I don't think there is a member of this board that would judge Ashley or you! It's just not our job, or in our make up for that matter. Personally, it gave me a little happiness to think that I was able to help someone going through a very difficult time.

I am so glad to hear you are making steady progress! Keep up those positive strides, and keep us posted!

LOVE!!!!
Sammy
Love is a daily decision ~ Mom & Daddy John
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