11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Use this forum to ask or post about 11:11, 12:34, 2:22, 22:22 etc. The wake-up digital clock signals of our loving celestial friends. They also delight in flicking on or off street lights, traffic lights and ringing door bells.
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11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man » Fri Sep 30, 2011 12:17 am

My fiance, the last time I'd heard from her was in a text. The text was pretty bad...Look, besides all of that, she was the best thing in my life, ever. I pretty much lived for her, and changed my life around completely to show her that I was in this for real, and I was committed to her. She had suffered from tremendous pain and depression for carrying a lifetime of guilt and pain over being molested by the closest to her at a very young age...Her life completely fell into emptiness over the past 2 months we were together. I loved her with everything I had, but still, I'm not here to profess my love for her, even though she never felt she was worthy of being loved...Her last text came to me at 11:11 on Saturday night the 17th of September, yes, a couple of weeks ago...The text was: "Kudos to you I get to look like the a****** in all of this while you feign love, I hope everything comes back to you 3 fold, and I'll be watching :)"

Now, previously, she had been on prescription medications, and the latest was abilify, along with adderal, prestiqe, flexeril, and ambien to sleep at night...She was taking a blood pressure pill when she felt she needed it...This all too, plus she was heavy into the vodka. When I tell you a pint a night, THEN take the ambien, you just didn't know what was going to happen. It killed me to see her beautiful blue eyes barely through her eyelids when I'd try to move her to go to bed...She has been combative throughout the past few years...And recently spent 4 days in a mental health facility in August because we made her go there...She dried out for 4 days, after she came out, she was great...I asked her to marry me as I thought my old girl was back from our first 4/5 months together. Marilyn Monroe was someone she emulated a lot, which I still can't figure that out since she was useless, yet this girl was a veterinary tech, followed by being an RN who was kick a** at everything she did. She HELPED people...MM did nothing pretty much...

I don't know if 11:11 is some Godly issue, or if I'm being afraid of it all...I know here I'm probably supposed to embrace that somehow? Really though, I'm so worn out, empty, alone, destroyed, and feel pretty intrigued that the last time I heard from her was 11:11...One of my friends pointed that out last night, he was the one who actually kept me from going back to her place on that Saturday who called me from AZ out of the complete blue and was like "you can't respond to her, if you do your going to end up in the same spot again"...My friends were concerned because she was willing to prove 2 times that she was willing to kill me to get me out of her way to find her peace...

Yanno, I still love that girl, I am still IN love with her--I SINCERELY HOPE SHE HEARS ME DAMMIT---AND WHEN I'M OUTTA HERE SHE BETTER BE THE FIRST THING I SEE!!! Ok, so I do have hope still. She went from saying yes to marrying me, to what kind of small thing she wanted when we did, to having our song picked out months ago "Come away with me" by Nora Jones...I'm pretty distraught, well, VERY distraught over all of this...A lightworker put things in a good way on Monday, and I'm holding on to that. Gave me the most peace out of anyone between ministers, priests, counselors, psychiatrists, and friends...

She sadly, took her own life by asphyxiation in her garage, on the spot where I parked my car..Laid down a comforter, had her drinks going from what I can figure all day, one last pint of vodka almost empty...Her cigs, her music laying all around with the last song being "Gravity"...She had on the lingerie I think I bought her, had herself done up, makeup, hair, jewelry...Her cousins friend said that "she wanted the man that she loved to find her"...I'm pretty screwed up over this...Yes, I still love her...She was my everything, and now she's gone...

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Sandy » Fri Sep 30, 2011 7:35 am

Dear SWPA_man,
I am so sorry this has happened. I've read your heart broken words several times now...and I am at a loss as to how to make any logical sense of what you have just been through. There is no sense to this is there? What can anybody say to help minimize the pain and ache that you now carry inside you or even the long standing pain your fiance carried that became more than she could bear? For despite the most loving of administations from a man who loved her deeply and endlessly she could not face what others had done to her, what life continually reminded her of one more day. Your words of love are a testimony to unconditional love... yet that is small consolation isn't it when your beautiful blue eyed darling has left your side. You did all you could do and yet...you couldn't save her. I don't know why it is this way...why these awful things happen. Perhaps it is because we each determine our own way, our own reactions to what life brings for us. I take a milligram of hope in that, even though she is gone from you, her path has not come to a grinding halt. No, it continues down roads we cannot pass at this time and at the very least some of her pain has ended... Love her.. she feels it... even now... the veils between our world thin. So even now from her lofty perch in those far away worlds she feels your pain as well... please dear ...know that your success is her success, your love is still her love...the gift you can give her and the gift you can give yourself is to heal... to work gently towards it little by little as hard as the moments are. Her story is not over and neither is yours....perhaps in time you will see the sun again. How I pray it is so. Please consider your own needs at this time. You too are a life that is precious.

Please know that you are in no way responsible for her actions. You gave her something special while she was alive and she gave something special to you. Both your eternal paths are forever changed because of each other and yet...the story goes on. Time has no end and neither has Love. It just grows ever deeper.

You are not alone. You have new friends here who, already, even after one post, care about you as if you are family which is of course what you are. Stange as that sounds, we are all family in a sense...all children of the Universe. No, you do not have to believe anything you read on this site or others. This is your journey and you will make it unique out of all the millions of beings and journys on this world. You determine what you believe the 11:11 numbers and even greater issues mean to you and you will go from that place of understanding where you are led from within. I can tell you from my own life experience with the number prompts and the angels and celestials behind them, that these numbers have arrived when I needed a shred of hope and encouragement as well as in a celebration of good things in my life. Like a dear friend who has held my hand countless time they arrive and remind me that there is more to this universe than what my eyes can see and my ear can hear, or my hand touch... They remind me that Life is mine and to grasp it and make it so. You live, thank God you live on and some day you will see her again. You will open your eyes and catch up on all the news that has passed. Encourage her even now...as she hears you and knows your pain at this time. Let her know that you will live your life the best you can. Perhaps this will bring her comfort as she would not want her actions to destroy you would she?

But first you need to give yourself time to heal from this temperal loss and shock. From this side of the world, I send you sisterly love and prayers for your comfort and peace.
With Love,
Sandy
“And at the end of the day, my friends, even if it is a long day, and this is a long day, love wins. Always.”
~Governor Andrew Cuomo~

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by nasra1996 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 10:58 am

:loves {{{{{{{{{{{{{ SWPA_Man }}}}}}}}}}}}}} :loves


A warm welcome....


Much Peace


Sarah
"Only from the heart Can you touch the sky" Rumi

"Righteousness strikes the harmony chords of truth and the melody vibrates throughout the cosmos, even to the recognition of the infinite." UB

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy » Fri Sep 30, 2011 11:50 am

Dear SWPA_man,

Wow, I am at a loss for words. (Very unusual for me.) All I can say is I am very sorry for the tragedies you have suffered. May God's peace be with you as you work your way through this.

LOVE!!!!
Sammy
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by lloyd » Fri Sep 30, 2011 8:06 pm

My heart goes out to you. If true (sorry, it's the net; lots of stuff is made up for
various reasons), it is a heartbreaking story.

Prescription drugs are often the tool of the devil, especially many (most?) of the mental meds.
People think that because doctors prescribe them and the FDA approves them, that they
must be OK. Nothing can be further from the truth. Many of the most successful doctors
find out what meds you are on and then get you off of them. They are very bad things.

Any how, I am sorry for your loss. I hope that the 1111 prompt is a sign that she has
found peace and you have other beings pulling for you.

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man » Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:49 pm

I wish it were a joke...

Today was her memorial service at her hospital where she worked. Now she KNOWS the hurt and pain she has caused so many, and the web that is created. Every friend of mine, every friend of hers, every friend of a friend has to deal with this somehow.

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy » Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:19 pm

Sending love and prayers for healing for all her family and friends.

LOVE!!!!
Sammy
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man » Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:12 pm

Hey guys, I REALLY appreciate the outreach and prayers, good thoughts, and kind words...

This is becoming more and more of a problem for me emotionally wise so to speak. I am really taking stock in what has happened, and what/where things were going between her and I...Funny how hindsight is 20/20...

I'm so tired of running the whole thing over and over in my mind. There truly are no answers...I stood by in the game, I was playing it, while my friends watched me dump everything I had into her and this from the sidelines. I'm really dealing with a "mad at myself" kind of issue now because of how much of a jack a s s I was to be giving what I held to be dear to me...My love for her. All the while who knows what I was really dealing with? Its just too much more than what I want to deal with...I just want it to disappear and be in the rear view...One more memorial service, then I am cutting all contact with everyone except her mother, getting my things back, and I want this to go away. Who knows how truthful she was to me about things now I'm wondering per her friend who says that she told her "ya'll were having differences"...Yes, differences that I could no longer put up with her being drunk more hours out of the day than she was straight or at the very least 50/50...

And, looks as though I'm being painted as the "bad guy" in all of this...After what I've been through? And what I've dealt with? My friend posed to me when I was we were about to go into her memorial service yesterday: "How do you feel about having to say all these great things about her when you and I both know what kind of abusive hell you lived with throughout the past few months?"

Now THAT really put me in some weird space...As I look back, I couldn't really think of anything good? Did she really love me as though she confessed? The way it became was that I was an afterthought, and she would rather be completely out of her mind drunk then take an ambien then flop over wherever IT took over...A lot of resentment setting in. After I'm looking back in all of this, was I being used as an instrument to give her one last chance to see that she could pull out from this nose dive? Was I there just to be abused as to cater to her selfish needs and watch as she destroyed herself bound by communication intimacy so I couldn't connect any dots to get to what was really going on?

I'm feeling pretty low...Pretty mad...Pretty used...

In the honest end of this, I end up looking pathetic, not that it matters, but when you put your heart into something and get nothing in return what happens here? I'm resenting a lot of what I got handed from her during the past 2 months of her life while she confesses to her supposed "sister like" friend that "she told me what she really wanted" and leaves out any information that may make me feel bad yet baits me?

Suicide, and what went on here I'm feeling, even through her friend, is a control issue...I don't know. Honestly, for what I put into it, and looking back, I'm sorry I ever got involved with her. Its me that's looking pathetic and empty because what I did for what I thought was any semblance of what love is...

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy » Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:30 pm

HI again SWPA_man,

I'm betting this won't help right now, in the heat of all your emotions, but perhaps one day it will.

It's not about the quality of the love we receive (although that IS always nice), but it's about the quality of the love we give. Perhaps you were used, in this life you can only guess. But if you had not been true to your feelings and loved 100% as you did, how would you feel now?

You loved (deeply) a person who was difficult to love. She too is God's child. A child who made some poor choices and will have to work hard in the next realm to learn what she missed out on here. You did well. Whether or not that love was returned in truth or whether she was using you makes no matter.

Try to go easy on yourself dear one. You are learning some very tough lessons, and it is very nice that you are turning to a loving place for answers rather than taking a dark path to despair.

Sending you hugs and love.

LOVE!!!!
Sammy
Love is a daily decision ~ Mom & Daddy John

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man » Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:06 pm

Coincidentally, one of my friends posed that "perhaps you were her last chance in this life to get out of the nose dive she was in?"

Kind of making it sound that like I was put in her path to help...But when all the love in the world doesn't open anyone's eyes?

The answers are so wide and far out there, the only thing I'm doing is floundering...Praying for help to just get this put behind. Is it possible that everything she told me about her love for me was just a farcical dreamscape where she's telling her supposed "soul mate sister" other things while she's whacked out on a pint and an ambien? I'm frustrated...As you guys can see...I'm tired of beating myself up. I was a good upstanding MAN for this woman...I did everything/anything I could. Now? I am questioning and replaying every damn event to just make sense...

OK, seriously, the 11:11 beings, midwayers, friends, helpers...HOW do I ask for help?

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by sammy » Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:18 pm

Stillness...meditation.

You may speak aloud to them and ask a question or questions...then sit in stillness with a quiet mind and await an answer. It may take a while (more than 1 attempt) to "connect"...or you could get lucky on the first try.

I personally have not had a chat with a midwayer, but I can tell you I have had some pretty amazing answers when I directed a DEEP heartfelt plea to God.

LOVE!!!!
Sammy
Love is a daily decision ~ Mom & Daddy John

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Sandy » Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:26 am

Hello Dear SWPA,

No one, not you, not this supposed friend who was as close as a sister truly knows the innermost thoughts going through your fiancés head as she left this world. Perhaps what wasn't clear became so... as the swirls of emotion and experiences making her what she had become do not leave us. I believe as Sammy said, that she will work through them in the next realm. Suicide in itself is not the tool of a sane person. It is a last result tool to eliminate pain and confusion and by its use makes the user not capable of being in control of their world and actions. She was living a life out of control and sadly her brain could see no other options. Perhaps this end dealt as much with how she finally saw herself as much as how she saw her life. Who knows?...not I, not you, not her best friend. This time she was without human companionship and faced what was to come with only God and the angels beside her.

The anger you are experiencing is justified...you have been badly hurt and you cannot get the answers you need, but you will. There will be a reckoning and an understanding and as we were recently told from a dear friend of ours who has passed on, the problems between us mortals do not seem so “unbreachable “from the other side. In other words our own understanding grows as we can see and absorb more and more of what is important and essential. It seems to me as Sammy also said that you have learned something about Love that few of us can boast. You learned to love unconditionally. My God! That is something the Great Master encourages over and over... and you, even in the hardest of life lessons espoused it... Do not be ashamed of your love for one whom others may have found hard to love or turned away from because they feel justified. You gave and gave again and perhaps something you did or said, something in your way of being will give her hope as she comes to term even now with her mortal life and what she has done.

Your Love was pure and for her benefit. Whether she will take your gift and learn from it even now is still her choice. Your choice now involves whether to remain enmeshed in the past or to move on, realizing that such as you gave was never necessary but freely given, and that you were not at fault in her life choices and the ending of her life. Each human must take responsibility themselves for the choices they make and their own reactions to life's dramas.

So once again I ask you to please give yourself a chance and time to heal. And with that in mind, sometimes a symbolic healing is the springboard to a fresh beginning. If you feel there are things you wish to say to her perhaps you still can through the symbolism of writing. Write her a heartfelt letter letting go everything within you on the pages... all the anger, the frustration, the sadness and grief...yes, even the love that lingers despite the confidences of well meaning friends who only wish for you to see the situation as they see it and move on. Write this letter and then burn it... watching the words travel in the smoke...knowing she has no choice but to finally understand your position. This is your chance to say good bye... Then make that new beginning, with everything within you make a fresh start in the light of a new day. Know you did everything you could. Let go. She is not your responsibility anymore... What's done is done and cannot be changed. The present however is a clean slate. What will you write? Will you allow her memory to sully the day or act as a springboard to greater things and ways of being?

Please do look within yourself in meditation and prayer, knowing as you do this you are not alone. Angels are by your side... as much as you love this woman, they love you and so much more... Masters of unconditional love they are, and so, you have much in common. They lead us ever towards One who is the Source of all Love, all matter, all life be it material, morontia or spirit... This journey to ultimate understanding of this Divine One is what constitutes our own personal journey.

I stand in awe of what you already know... the hard lessons you have gone through... the gift you welded, and welded without concern for your self and what you would get in return.
I pray that this Love you gave so freely returns to you in greater and greater abundance and that Peace comforts and sustains you as you take the first wobbly steps into a new life and a new day.

With Love always,
Sandy
“And at the end of the day, my friends, even if it is a long day, and this is a long day, love wins. Always.”
~Governor Andrew Cuomo~

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by George » Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:45 am

Thank you Sammy and Sandy for your answers. You both are great contributors here.

In essence you are dealing with reason and emotion -- two things that can intertwine and make peace of mind difficult to achieve...

... until there is clear realization that everyone is fully responsible for their very own actions.

SWPA-Man will reach that conclusion, as will his fiancee in time.

Our regular contact with our Teachers proves to us that this world is only a kindergarten, and
some of "our colored drawings" and "plasticine figures" don't look so good in retrospect.

You guys (girls) impress me.

:bigsmurf:

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by happyrain » Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:22 am

hi swpa_man... my heart goes out to you. thank you for sharing and starting this thread. . . funny george :lol:

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Infidel » Mon Oct 03, 2011 12:36 am

I'm a bit confused. You think 11:11 did this to her?

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Sandy » Mon Oct 03, 2011 3:45 am

Hello Infidel,
I'm a bit confused. You think 11:11 did this to her?

I suspect you are speaking to SWPA_man but I will respond anyway as I would like to make this point clear.. ;) I venture to say that say that none of us who responded on this thread think anything of the kind. Our Angelic and Midwayer friends, those prompting us with the numbers, encourage and support us as our lives unfold around us. They do not interfere...not allowed to. They cannot control our thoughts and it is our thoughts and emotions that weigh heavily on our hearts as we try to understand these tradgedies and the effect they have on our lives. Universe reality is most likely much more complex then any of us can imagine at this time since we are just beginning the eternal trek in this mortal form. There are many lessons to learn but the ground work begins here on this world. Things happen to us and we respond. It is in our response and what we learn from the responding that create these hard won lessons.
Love,
Sandy
“And at the end of the day, my friends, even if it is a long day, and this is a long day, love wins. Always.”
~Governor Andrew Cuomo~

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Geoff » Mon Oct 03, 2011 4:29 am

Dear swpa_man,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{swpa_man}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Suicide is something that touches many of us. My own sister suicided, some 15 or so years ago. I think perhaps the only thing not yet discussed here, is something you asked: "Can she still hear me?" And that's a question I can answer. From personal experience. And the answer is "YES".

Some of the dear folks who have answered you here have sort of inferred that this is an end point. It's not. It is however a major change in the game of life. This realm is very different to the next, and your dear fiancee is now in that realm, with its differences, while you remain here. So perhaps I can share some of what I have learned.

Firstly the love you gave her was clearly real, something you will eventually be very proud of. It matters not what others have commented (your friends). You know you were as true here as you could be. That she distrusted that love, is her issue, and eventually she will know your love is true. May I ask and pray that you never let that love change to hate, or despair towards her. Stay true to who you are. The biggest difference (well a big one anyway) between this realm and the next is that insincerity is obvious, and truth absolutely visible. Stay true to who you are, and it will help her, in time.

However suicide is the most difficult way to arrive in the next world. She still has to resolve all those mis-conceptions, those false images, and also begin to learn to love herself. She has to do it herself. That which she could not here. And she has the very serious and added issue of dependency on alcohol and drugs. I cannot in the short text that comprises our communications here, begin to tell you how hard the road ahead lies for her, so lets rather focus on you.

Firstly YOU cannot ever resolve this, nor can you really ever fully make sense of it. Because you were always an on-looker. What you can and have done, is look inside, and question if you did your best. I am pretty sure you did, and the fact that she still took her life, with what appears to be viscous indifference, and absolute personal pain directed out at those she loved, is not the cross you should bear. But you need to analyse that, and when you have your answer, forgive yourself and move on. By move on, I mean know that the past is the past, and begin to live in the now.

love,
Geoff
Love commands the universe. Man only resorts to control when love is missing.
~ said Jesus through Glenda Green in "Love without End" ~

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man » Mon Oct 03, 2011 5:27 am

Hey all, much love and peace back to you all as well :-)

I'm not alluding anything to the 11:11 prompting other than something happened...In me, why would I be here? I'm wondering about the realization of it again as I walked back into the house to respond to this and I have my phone on military time. Ha! Didn't hit me when it said 23:11...LOL...

Guys I'm in an ok mood, trying to go over things that have went down over the past 2 weeks. Tonight is the anniversary that she took herself from this Earth. I'm learning to cope with it, but at the same time break down over the "what ifs" surrounding this tragic scene.

This has been a constant nightmare for me since she chose to take herself out rather than for her to face life, stand up, be strong, not give in, and go forward.

Somehow, I have played a role in her life and death. The life part is that I never loved anyone in my life as I had her. She never would believe what she was to me. As I said, she filled squares in me that I'd never knew I had left to fill. She brought such a brightness to my life, its inexplicable. But why this route when I stood by as a pillar to lean on when things got rough. I wrote her an email that was the most heinous, vile, nasty email accurately describing what she had let herself dissolve into. Her Dr friend had taken her own life in June, another nurse she didn't know personally, but worked where she did, took her own life in August...She just did it saying that the Dr friend told her "life was better" where she's at...She also confessed to her counselor that she "felt she had demons" in her...Oddly, I feel as though maybe I did help her realize what she had disintegrated into, but it was time for HER to step up, for HER to be strong and move forward if she wanted things between us to be as she said she wanted.

I don't know what to say? I float from one extreme crying, to mad, to sad, to being inconsolable, to back to being ok...Its the floundering that's killing me...Literally, I've cried for hours on end already. I don't know if I'm more mad, sad, or missing the woman who wouldn't believe that she was my everything. Now, I keep showing up here whining about it, but its just life? WHO could ever imagine the one they completely loved, just for who they were, doing this to themselves?

I'd spoken to a "lightworker" here...Met her through a friend of her husbands. Did not know ANYTHING about me. Nothing. No clue who I was, where I was from, nothing. Her husband knew nothing of me...We talked on the phone for hours...She had come through with things that were incredible to say the least. The most incredible thing was that I have a LOT of spiritual guides, and protectors. This lady knew NOTHING of me, here she describes my stepdad to me, well, he was just my real dad. My real father died when I was 2 years old...He stepped in when I was just 5...Here she goes into the whole thing, tells me how much fear I had going on. Not that I was afraid of dying at my fiances hands, but the fear that I was going to find her dead almost every day for the past 2 months or so? She came through with initials, months...But when she described my dad who passed away last May from a stroke and congestive heart failure, to a "T" I was raising my arms in victory...LOL...Finally, I KNEW I had some good souls on my side...My brother, dad, etc...Aunt...

But the real kinda weird thing was that she said there was an older lady there, a grandmother, and how she was excitedly APPALLED at what went on...When my fiances grandmother passed away 3/4 years ago, this is when her downward spiral started...I am totally thinking "maybe her grandmother?" THAT was the first thing that struck me...

The gun incident at my fiances house: This is part of how I knew something was up regarding what she was saying also...When she was gauging me, walking up behind me while I was on the chaise in the living room-open backed, she was putting her left hand on my left shoulder. When I would touch it she pulled away...I look up at her she was giving me the Manson stares..."Where's my gun? What did you do with my guns? You gave my guns to my mother didn't you? YOU hid my guns-your not f'ing leaving until I have my GUNS!" and she was getting more and more wound up...Finally, I'm getting up ready to leave, and she's blocking the door. Your not leaving until I have my guns...I told her again "I don't even want my fingerprints on your guns"...Maybe your roommate seen your guns? "Get her out here" she said...I called out to her roommate and she said "Sure, its right up here, opening the cabinet, and pointing to it...She walked back into her bedroom (roommate)...Here I am, 20 feet away from the one I loved, in shock. Could NOT move...She has the barrel of the gun pointed towards the floor twisting the gun right and left...Trying to make a decision.

I looked at her...I couldn't really do anything...At this point I felt like a cylinder come down from above encircle me...I can't describe it, but it felt grey/silver...I didn't SEE anything, but I felt it, and it moved me out of her house...

The only thing when that happened was that in my mind my dad and my brother ran through my mind? Can't quite explain that...Can't explain how I felt it was like a silver or grey or maybe I've lost my mind...Doubtful after speaking with the lightworker.

Now, she ends up with the sheriffs at her house some 20 minutes later, she gets up off the couch, a knife falls out of her robe...Hence her "gauging" my response time earlier. She could have just killed me by shanking me in the neck. That was her first attempt at killing me. The second is explained in my first posting, and when she scratched at me, she WAS aiming for my L carotid artery...That was during the 13th evening when she had the screwdriver trying to sneak up again on me, same chaise...

Now, I'm here. I'm somehow getting answers...I'm getting more peace...I don't know whats really at work here, I don't know if I'm here to have helped her leave this planet, or like my one good friend said "maybe you were her last chance to try to get herself together before she nose dived?"

I am happy to be here, I am happy to share what has happened. The things that went on are unreal, and its pretty bizarre to say the least...But something good is happening here. I thank you all so much for your kindness. I'm just another empty soul here who has endured a lot of pain, and the pain that she had somehow I now am experiencing a bit of it...I am in pain and despair over losing someone so near and dear to me its all I can feel. But, I know in time, it will not go away, but dull a bit where I can live again...I do really want to get out and have fun again. Things now are a bit dull, the trees aren't as colorful, the skies are grey, but things are gonna be ok in time...Thanks again people, much love to you all.

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Geoff » Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:44 am

Dear SWPA_Man,

Yeez you have been through some stuff. I doubt you may think I am kind right now, because I fully accept you loved her deeply, but I will say that this was a situation that would not have worked, long term. Not until she healed. I sadly married someone who was also troubled, though certainly nothing like your beloved. Thought I could cope. Eventually I got too tired to continue. A long-term relationship has to be based on something beyond one party supporting the other. No one can support another indefinitely, when the other party is abusive, or endlessly needy. I lasted 25 years. But the damage I did to myself was considerable.

love,
Geoff
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~ said Jesus through Glenda Green in "Love without End" ~

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man » Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:56 pm

Dear Geoff,

I have. I don't take any of this in any unkind way. Things really didn't start out this way, or I wouldn't have stuck it out...She asked me "don't give up on me" when we had reached a level where we both realized that we talked more than most married people, and we did. That's when things were really deep. There were small things surfacing. Who would ever guess that it would deteriorate so bad so quickly? After doing a fast self education of what she was taking (all prescription drugs by the way) from what her psychiatrist prescribed the few of them had "black box" warning labels. Most people taking the prestiqe and abilify wanted to throw themselves out of a window after about 2-3 weeks of taking it. This also, is when this really went way eccentric. Also, the alcohol played such a role here, like I said, it just took on its own life as well.

I somehow have always had a stronger spirit whenever it came to relationships, I never gave up on the worst of the worst (might be that I'm an old military guy of 14 years and just toughed things out). Maybe its also my lesson here? But then again, if no one ever showed someone that they could be tough enough to stick it out through hard times, it would be a world where it was a constant "I give up" state. If I didn't believe things would have somehow gotten better, I probably would have bailed out a while back...I was true to her, I didn't give up until the end. And when she felt that I believe, and when it was her turn to perform, that's when she did it, and that's how I ended up here.

On the other side of things, this has been an incredible comfort. The love I feel here is genuine for one another. When I can say that, and feel that, I MUST be in the right place...

Love you all

Dave

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by mm1111 » Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:19 pm

Dear Dave-

Your experiences hit home to me. My mother has 5 sisters. Her and two others were raped over a long period of time by their own uncles-two of them. She was 4 years old. My mom passed away 3 years ago. She was an RN and an alcoholic. I tried for years to save her. She had a husband she loved dearly, and my brother and I were very close to her. I still deal with the thoughts of everything that happened and why couldn't we save her. Sandy and the others have said such wonderful things and you should really listen to them. I guess I just wanted you to know that I really feel for you, please stay strong and know that the feeling you are having are normal. It's ok to be mad, I was too. But don't let it ruin all the love and energy you put into doing the right thing. I know that I tried all I could and in the end that is all that matters. My love goes out to you, I hope to hear more from you.

Maggie.
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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by touchedbyanangel » Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:58 am

:hithere

Greetings My Fellow Eleveners,

Welcome SWPA_Man,

My deepest condolences, I'm grieved by your loss, may God grant you His eternal peace, and may He comfort you during this most heart whrenching time in your life. I was brought here tonite by our 11;11 friends to share a word or two from the Heart of our most Loving Creator, as, I am, His servant, and I am blessed to be so.

Firstly, I would like to convey my most heartfelt apologizes to my dear friends here, whom, I have not written to for quite sometime. I have had some life issues that I have been working on, and have felt that silence was my best avenue while I dealt with those issues. However, I have been reading the messages posted here. I hope you all will forgive me for my absence of word. Although, my fondest thoughts for all of you, have remained constant. I pray for God's finest blessings for all of you, here, and around the globe, during these most turbulent times.

Dear Dave,

You have found the right place to find a measure of understanding about 11;11, and hopefully, a great measure of comfort from the many truly wonderful people here.

I, too, have suffered such a devastaing loss as yours, and understand the emotional distress caused by such an event. Although, this event in my life happened in 1998, sometimes it seems like only yesterday. It took me many years to heal from the heartbreak, and to come to peace with it. We are fortunate to have a loving, and forgiving Creator, He feels the same emotional pain that we do when such a tragedy occurs, even though He, knows, His mercy will restore the lost, to His eternal presence.

Dave, God, wants you to know, that He loved her before time began, and, He will love her until the end of time, the same goes for you.

When I was attending a counseling group, there was a young woman, who, had lost her brother, she said something to me that I have always remembered. It helped me to survive the event. She said....God calls us home in many different ways, and sometimes suicide is one of them.

As one, that survided the aftermath of a suicide, I can say this..we cannot understand the pain that the person feels, when that person commits suicide, but our Creator does, and sometimes, He has to heal that person...in person.


May God's Peace Be Upon You All!!


Touched.... :kiss: :bana:
You must understand God's point of view, before you can have a clear vision of your future.

Touchedbyanangel

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Tiggy » Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:52 pm

Hi everyone :hithere I've just read through this thread now and I have to say that you have all touched my heart in a big way. I too, haven't been on here for a while.....been busy working through carrying too much emotional baggage myself for years.....like Geoff said, I thought I could cope but I was only kidding myself/damaging myself. Reading through all your wonderful words just restores my hope and trust that together.....we can help heal each other.....even if it's only in a small way. We may not have all the answers but we can help each other learn.....This is a great thread................thankyou!

Love Tiggy :loves

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by SWPA_Man » Thu Oct 06, 2011 5:03 am

Good evening my friends. Wow.

I can't tell you how much you people have meant to me over the past week or so, but I'm going to say in earnest, and humbly from my heart, that I've been learning, AND heeding what I've learned here...I've been in meditation, I've not been here for a few days writing. I've been going through "the process"...I checked in to see what was going on though...

My good friend, who apparently has been used as an instrument by God in my life, and had probably saved my life by talking me out of responding to Ashley's texts and calls? "Dave, you can't respond, you can't go back...You might literally die there..." There was a lot more than that...But that's the condensed version...

Guys, I'm one of those old "logical" type of men. I was an aircraft mechanic (aircraft engineer for you Aussies - I was an old F-111 guy at RAF Lakenheath in the UK back in the 80's) and hats off the the RAAF for keeping my old sweetheart around for so long, truly a beautiful aircraft with many fond memories of her...Being that, I call John up the other night to continue my sobbing, and the "what ifs" surrounding this...We're brainstorming to get any answers that might get me peace, and of all things, he put it into terms that made complete sense which actually circumvented a LOT of guess work which after absorbing it, I came to a peace...I've been praying, silent, still, meditating, asking for any help from my spiritual guides, midwayers, and God to send a 911 crew because of the shape I've been in. Something like this, losing an extreme loved one, does not want to keep yourself around. Not in a "take your own life" kind of way, but you just don't care whether you live or die...

John after hearing what I was describing what Ashley has been through, her actions towards people, and life in general really put him on a path of logics...I mean, it did work fine, maybe-well, after hearing, it was not "just come up with" as I'd say it was more of a "guided" word...He tells me "Dave, she just didn't want to be here" which is what she has told me herself many many times...Per John: Dave, have you ever been to a party? Yanno, the kind of party you absolutely hated being at? The one no matter what they were serving-HEY DON'T GO YET! We're bringing out the ice cream and cake! That kind where you STILL couldn't stand it? The girl is ready to jump out of the cake! But you were so wanting to fling yourself through a window just to breathe...It wasn't the guests, it wasn't the host...It was just the party...

I tried to be a better host to her "party"...I stood in the doorway with arms out blocking her leaving a number of times...I tried to show her the basement, the other rooms, the upstairs to the party, and of course the fun rooms too...She just wanted to leave. She was willing to (in my case literally) kill me to get me out of her way of leaving...

Well, I got a better understanding...I asked for answers from the universe...I prayed, meditated, cried out in pain for anything. I can't explain it. They came. They also came from here..."Touched" your words were put here, just like the others...When I read about our Creator having to heal her "in person" I cried and understood...

ALL of you...I'm awestruck...

I am now in retrospect, looking back. I was put in her life for a reason...I KNEW last October when we first chatted something was going on. In January, I even told me mum "yanno, I'm gonna hear from that Ashley girl who is dating that Steven guy" and on February 6/7th I got a call from her...From immediately on, we were on. I can't explain it? It was like we knew each other from somewhere else, a lifetime ago, and had already spent a lifetime together? We both confessed to each other that we had talked more than most married people, and that we were really deep in our conversation/love for one another/feelings. It was like nothing I've ever experienced and for her the same. I somehow felt different with her for a long time like we were "together" before...Not weird, just easy, thought I'd met "the one" and her also...We must have asked each other to get married 4 or so times throughout out first few months...

I can't recall where it went wrong, but a Dr she worked with committed suicide in Texas back in June...A nurse where she worked but didn't know also committed suicide up in the mountains near where we live...Since June it started to sink it to her, by the end of July, the bottle was in full effect...Along with a new added on anti-depressant and the adderal she was taking to "lose weight" over a self image issue of herself. A skewed one at that...That one pill the Psych put her on she started by the first week of September...I believe they were key in amping her up in her downward spiral of which there was no return...

Her friends, now also in retrospect I see what they were saying to me, "Thank you for loving Ashley the way you did"...I am kinda proud of that...I still do love her and pray for her...

I'm a fairly open minded person, who doubts nothing where the powers of our Creator are concerned, sometimes however, the answers don't come as fast as we'd like...I know she has to come to reckon with what happened and how she let herself just crumble. She didn't have to do what she did, but like it was said "we can't understand her pain, but God does" and I get that. I know a bit about the pain, because I'm now living with it...

Maybe the scathing email I sent her to recognize what she became also had a hand in this? I feel it did personally although I'm not taking on any of the guilt, its what was true what she did to herself. A person who has helped so many let herself succumb to things she didn't have to take on, but wouldn't let go and rather decided to "OWN" the pain, embarrassment, guilt, shame...She didn't have to shoulder that, she chose to instead of taking any other course to find answers and peace...

I can't explain the peace the past few days since this has settled in, I still cry for her-for myself a bit also...I did want to keep the one I loved here, I didn't want to "let her go" but she in the end, had given me/all of us, no choice. She wanted to feel that abandonment that she set out for as a goal...I shared with her friends the quips of God having to heal her in person, and through here, and the words of encouragement through all of you, it has made sense and eased the pain that we're sharing tremendously...

Geoff, not going to let myself get into the hate trip, I can't...She still is loved :) I did look, like you said, and question...I did the best I could possibly do, hands down. The indefinite support had to stop, or I would have ended also. Considerable damage here done, but its going to go forward. I have other work that needs to be done here...
Sandy, I think with the memorial service this Sunday, its going to maybe start healing everyone...Although the letter is still appealing. Once I get out of the sine wave of emotion, or maybe before I will do just that?
George, its coming together, we're all responsible...For our actions...Mine was getting to a better place here to operate from. I think I'm getting there...
Maggie, the more I absorb, the less mad I get, no anger towards her...I do have anger with her actions at times, but the person I fell in love with wasn't there anymore...Like the SOS people were telling me, which makes sense, is that there are 3 individual entities involved in a suicide. An aggressor, a victim, and a death. Sober Ashley was the victim attacked by the drunk aggressor Ashley, which resulted in a death...

Like I said, I'll be here s things show up...Which in my world right now may be tomorrow?

And much love to all, thank you-thank you-thank you...

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Re: 11:11 and the suicide of my fiance...Answers?

Post by Sandy » Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:04 am

Dear Dave,
I stand in awe of the palpable love on this thread. You came here and opened your heart and we opened ours... all of us at one time strangers are unafraid somehow and now blessed friends. As I read your post and the latest by Maggie, Tiggy, and Touched...I realized something. That you are giving to us something very precious...something we too can use to rub on those sores of life... You accept our love and we yours and it is forever... I don't know how to express this overwhelming feeling within me...other then to say...
It is a joy and a great privilege for me to get to know a new friend/brother.
With Love,
Sandy
“And at the end of the day, my friends, even if it is a long day, and this is a long day, love wins. Always.”
~Governor Andrew Cuomo~

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