A call out maybe..

[Joebenz]

I have this urge to write this. It's hard finding the right words so i'll start there: I'm 28, i still live at my parents. Shocker yeah i know. Thing is i've been in prison for my whole life, locked in a cell and still am. Maybe i'm overdramatising a bit but can't help it.
I never open myself to anyone and i didn't mind until now.
I've been browsing this forum and y'all seem to be nice and very open minded so that's why i'm saying this here.

I was born into a cult/sect called jehova's witnesses.
I was raised to expect an end of the world that would purge all of the nonbelievers into fire pits. The main basis was "love god or be destroyed."
Never got to open myself to the world because of this. When i was 14, my parents realised how much of a rubbish this was and so we got out.

Then there was college. Teachers or students, rubbish is all it was. Even what we learned was rubbish.
Never did my homework or learned their oh so precious lessons at school. I hated school for all my life and never regretted it.
I don't want to believe in doctrines that say "this is how the world is/works because we say so."
Strange thing is that i never was a target for bullies or have never been bullied. So much for stereotypes.

You may think that i had the crapiest life possible but it wasn't all bad. My mother worked at the airlines so we would go to california, florida, japan.
(i live in France) and my most favorite destination: Hawaii
Hawaii was the refuge from everything back at home.
But even when i was not on vacation, i always tried to smile, think positive or laugh and succeeded in doing so.

Because of my past, i never truely got to be talkative. When i was 18 i could not undertsand what people said. I was scared to go to the grocery store because of saying "hi" or "goodbye" to the casheer. Some sort of anxiety thing i don't really know. My brain would be in a locked out mode because of how stressed out i was with other people.
I very slowly got out of this and oh boy was it hard.

Fast forward to now, i'm still faced with the same god damn problems that i had when i was younger: being locked up in my room. Not knowing where to go or what to do and i never knew why.
(By the way i wasn't really locked up it was more of a metaphore.)

Now i know. I don't have inspiration for anything. Nothin interests me. I see no real purpose for my very existance. The only thing that kinda makes me curious are the weird phenomenons like the 11:11 promps that started a few years ago.
But still i'm not really that much into it. i know there are worst cases than me, much much worse. I really feel grateful for some things i have in my life but it's not enough for me to go on.

And now i'm angry. No furious. About beings that are so called "guides" or angels. I begged for their help every single night. I prayed, i even insulted them sometimes but nothing. I only got these 11:11 promps from time to time but me not knowing what the hell they mean doesn't help me much.
I'm tired and angry at their indifference to our problems. REAL problems not the "oh they didn't give me that bike i asked for" kind of problems.
I feel like an alien that is forced to live on this god damned planet among beings i have no inspiration to coexist for.

What makes the divine the "good guys"? Because a book written by humans said it? What i feel is that we are just numbers on their boards for whatever reasons.
Or we are labrats being thrown into a maze and them up there looking at us saying "let's see what they will do?".
Why do we have this pain? To make us stronger? Why the need to be stronger? Why the need to learn? What is important then?
Are we just cogs into a broken society that throws us out like a rusted piece of machinery when our usefulness comes to an end? Is this really it?
Unfortunately these questions will never be awnsered and have deal with it as usual.
But despite all that, i still have hope. Hope that i am wrong and that something someday might come help. But that day has not yet come.

I don't know if anyone will read this to the end and don't really care. Maybe it will be blocked for the swearing in it and honestly do so if it so pleases you.
I have talked about some of this to some people and despite that i appreciate them trying to help, they can't. I have heard enough of "be strong" "it will go away sooned or later" "you have to deal with it" etc... I have heard those lines for years and nothing changed.
I have tried to change things but i always come back to the start: no appreciation for my life, no interest in anything, no inspiration for moving forward.

I think that no one can help me. Only a miracle can.
So Midwayers, if you guys really are out there, little help maybe?

[Amigoo]

bJ,

With so much to say about what you don't like (or don't want, etc.), how to interact with you is a mystery
... and probably for the Midwayers, et al.

"i never truely got to be talkative" is intriguing, considering all the words you used to express yourself.

Obviously, you like to write! ... and vacation!, especially to Hawaii.

Interesting concept, "vacation" - I can still recall those experiences ... and visited Hawaii three times with my wife, before the fourth time when I escorted her ashes to Maui for a seaside burial. I didn't know that I was supposed to alert the airline that I had moved her ashes from the heavy metal urn into a ZipLock bag for easier "carry on". Of course, I was quick to show the document permitting a dusty travel companion.

I'm going to guess that you liked a few things about Hawaii. It was not quite so special for me since I grew up along the Fort Lauderdale/Miami coast - Oh Boy! More palm trees, fancy hotels, and ocean! At least Maui had a variety of terrain, unlike the flats of South Florida.

Send us a coconut (or lei) if you go back to Hawaii ... or post a picture in this forum.

Rod

[Joebenz]

I never was talkative but that was before. Now, after hours of therapy, i can express myself correctly.

Yeah Hawaii was my refuge. My grandparents used to live there and we stayed at their house. The house was right in front of a canal that directly led to lanikai beach. From the garden we could see the typical hawaiian mountains the same kind we see in Jurassic Park.

I consider myself lucky to have been able to go there on a regular basis. Some people that have had traumatising lives usually take refuge in video games or in their imagination. For me i mentally and physically was able to go into this paradise.

[Sandy]

Hello Joebentz,

My mind is a whirl with your post... so much written in those words and so much to think about and consider. Life is so complicated, living in this world is getting more complicated every day. We all face some sort of crisis of a sort and all of us can commiserate with you because deep trauma has affected more people then you know. How to get through the “mumbo jumbo” of life and find what is real and lasting is the journey of a lifetime. Sorry dear, you are not unique there in these feelings. The underlying problems can often be similar, but the answer always different. So I am thinking that just because one person finds hope and answers in one direction, not necessarily so for another. For me it was a spiritual connection and communication quite late in life that caused me to let go of everything of substance, physical security, all the “stuff” I thought was necessary and appropriate for a happy life. So I move to Australia and try to work with beings who some feel are very much intangible, unreachable. But you see, it isn’t so much the midwayers as finding the reality of this God all the religions talk about but provide very little evidence of the way to make your own relationship with this unimaginable Star Wars-like Force of a wondrous God/Goddess. This Being is actually always with us...whether we are locked in a "cell of our making" or under a shea oak tree in far away Australia, lamenting the loss of some very beautiful "tree friends" at the hands of a vicious chainsaw. (long story) Life stinks at times and I suspect, depending on our outlook, it always will. Yesterday the world was as black as the inky background surrounding the stars. I felt a hostility I hadn't experienced in some time... I hated and I complained loudly to anyone who would hear me... yet, in the end the only one who could save me from myself was me. It was daunting realizing that the only person who could change the slippery slope I was on was little ole me. I am not very big, not very strong and getting to an age where things sag a bit... But of course size and age doesn't matter in such things... no, it is perseverance perhaps. And a desire to keep looking... keep trying to discover where I fit in...where any of us fit in. It is true you can't look at someone else's answer and take it as your own in life. You have to keep looking and looking hard..not backwards at the past but at what you feel now which frankly you did at least began by writing this post. You stated something even a line in the sand with your life. So yeah. you have begun in earnest. Keep writing.... not necessarily to us but keep writing about whatever your insides wish to spill. This is a kind of releasing I think and can help you let go and open the inner door a crack to where answers are easier to discover. These answers though are not gifted. We can't ever just sit down and expect the humans around us, the angels around us, the Midwayers and the Higher up beings and believe me WOW there are Higher Up beings that can melt your heart with an embrace, to give it to us on a "plate.". No, it isn't as easy as giving up... But the rewards of persistence, of doing daily work to lighten the load, the answers that can flow, the friendships that can develop are sooooooo very worth it. Everything that you have experienced the good and the bad have all led you to this moment. The moment when You open yourself and say... “I've had enough of getting seemingly no where. I invite you to show me more, to open my heart and allow a wisdom that forms universes to gently move me forward to a destiny I cannot imagine at this time.

Yes there is more... much much more to this life of ours to the realms of time space after death as well...but all this is reached one step at a time. Take a breath. Take a few more and dare to dream, to reach with heart, soul and mind for that illusive realm where anything and everything is possible.
We are here for you as others have been here for us while we find our feet and go where the spiritual road beckons.
With love,
Sandy

Keep your eyes open to the possibilities presented sometimes in ways not looked for, okay?

PS. I must tell you though that free will is one of the most fundamental rules the Celestials observe throughout the realms of eternity. They cannot do anything that inhibits our free will to make decisions that affect our life. They can’t and won’t wave a wand that fixes everything..well not everything anyway. That is our job and one I am still working on, myself. sigh... But I’ve seen glimpses of the peace on the other side repeatedly and every day it draws closer to being the norm...( just don’t cut down any of my tree friends! )

[Joebenz]

Thank you for your input. I will think about what you said.
What i sometimes do is imagine if i was on my death bed, what would i say? what would i regret? what would i have done better? It usually keeps me on "the right track" so to say or at least try to.

[Seeker13]

Hey Joebenz,
Believe it or not I'd formulated many of the same responses in my head before reading Sandy's post. Nothing in our lives is going to change, unless we put in the work to bring about the change we desire. If you are looking for something or someone to care about in this world, find those whose lives are truly hopeless and have endured. Be a seeker of what fulfills you, not that which fills your time with emptiness and want.

Choose a path and begin a journey. Nothing is harder or more satisfying than rescuing ourselves.

Love,
Kim

[Geoff]

Hey JoeBenz,

Welcome. Sorry I don't have much to say because I am short of time, but Sunday i fly to Oahu (from Sydney) and I will stay in a condo in Punaalua and I believe thats very close to where you were. I know that area because I have a friend living there.

My advice is take things slowly. I would have to spend some time on your post to have any suggestions as to "what" to start with. I can see you have been burned, and its a challenge to get back together, and you have done so already to a large degree. So well done.

By the way, I have seen a few miracles, so they are around.

hugs
Geoff

[happyrain]

Hey Joe,
My reply is a little off topic but... See any volcanoes in Hawaii? I've never been.

Well... The prompts for me have served like a link to the inner dialogue- that is, some kind of force recognizes something I may not have shared with anyone. Whether these nudges come as motivational or even when I can't make sense of it, it seems to end up as a tool to get me looking within. It's kind of a magical place. There's a lot of wealth in the replies here already.... Would I regret anything if I were to die? Well, probably dying. I'm not ready to do that. While I believe in God and even Spirits, I am not sure an afterlife is promised for me. Maybe this is one of my own major hurdles. Anyways.. This link overtime has turned into an appreciation... Prayers become important, meditating becomes desired, living out ones deeper desires... Which is a constant work in progress mind you... Then life becomes kind of like poetry. If you feel resentment, well... What are you angry about? Stagnation...? Do you have any goals you'd like to set for yourself...? I know this girl who sets very small goals for herself- she writes them down and even sets dates to accomplish them, it's really unique and inspiring. Then again, my ex was big on writing things down too... But this little lady does things like set a goal to ride a carousel for the first time. Maybe, It's a step to help you? So if you like the phenomena maybe you can research Astral travel? Or spiritual alchemy? Just throwing out ideas.
Also, do you exercise? Being temporarily back with my parents as well, I've learned movement helps. We're around the same age- if you lived in TX I'd say let's hang out! I work around motorcycles and those seem to bring a little bit of joy
I don't expect to be of much help here but I wanted to try. Writing is very therapeutic for me as well. Life has a lot to offer and even here in our exchange there's much to appreciate... Take care and enjoy the little things around you.
PS
do you speak french?

Bye for now.

[Amigoo]

Joe,

Having studied the Urantia revelation for decades (even reading the Book from cover to cover three times while listening to the audio), I'm convinced that we're here simply to experience life as a mortal and to begin the journey of finding God. The quality/quantity of our experience reflects choices that we make ... freely (the universe mandates free will). And it is not necessary that we "find God" during this first life - simply that we begin the journey.

Apparently, only those who choose (finally and convincingly) not to make the complete and long journey to Paradise will cease to exist; an event that almost never occurs (IMO) until after we begin our next life on the Mansion worlds where we are truly given opportunity to make that decision. In contrast to the very long Paradise journey, life on earth is but a "flash in the pan" - the Mansion world adventure (aka "Heaven"), upon our resurrection from this planet, is where universe fairness and soul-nurturing truly reign.

Rod

[Joebenz]

I've read every single one of your posts and it made me smile and grateful to be able to discuss the problems in never told anyone about.
While i appreciate everything you guys are doing, i have to disagree.

Let's take Free will, the simple thing to say about that is that there is no free will.
For exemple you walk on a straight road. Suddenly that road separates in two:
On the left, the road continues as usual but the road on the right leads to a ravine.
If you go on the right, you fall and die.
The most logical and human reaction would be going on the left because "i had no choice or i would die going on the other path."
That's what i'm talking about. "Hey you have the choice, going left or right!". Everyone would take the left road because that's the most sane thing to do.

And how about this: how can we have free will when we are being manipulated by forces that far surpasses our understanding? invisible by our senses?
When a normal father that had no known criminal past suddenly ends up murdering in cold blood their children and his wife and kills himself, how can we know that this man fully made his choice? how can we know he wasn't suddenly influenced by an unseen force?
How can we say "i made that choice" without being sure this decision is our own and not some manipulation from a demon, angel or god knows what?
When we live in a world where we can be as easely manipulated by beings we don't even suspect their presence, where illusions, deceit and lies reign as masters, forgive me if i question the very nature of so called "free will".
Even faith itslef can be manipulated and i know what i'm talking about.

For all my life no matter how hard i tried to go forward, to have a stable job, my own appartement or raise a family, things that ordinary people have no difficulty acquiring, no matter how hard i tried to unfold my wings to fly up, i always ended up being thrown back to the ground by maybe some unseen force saying "stay down!"
Maybe it's all in my head but how can i explain the incredible difficulties i had acquiring things that even the most ordinary folk can have in a few months while i always tried in all my life without success?

Free will is an illusion, a joke, life itself is a joke. My life at least.

[Amigoo]

Joebe...,

Of course, "free will" is not absolute, otherwise chaos would reign in the universe. To permit maximum fairness to all living beings, "free will" must be tempered in ways often mysterious to humans. But your writing is good focus: What forces or beings cause you to post these complaints about "the system"? And what happens that you're continually inspired to respond - in detail - to what others post?

If human lives are orchestrated from above (or below or wherever), then there's no need to share such grievances; after all, can any discussion change the past? alter the present? direct the future? ... if the play has been written and we're but actors on the stage? At least, in this digital era we have the choice of sitting back and waiting for the YouTube video. I suspect that if this were our entire life, when we resurrect we would have the "free will" to view the movie ... and see us sitting back and waiting ... and waiting.

Re: "things that ordinary people have no difficulty acquiring"

I seem to have missed opportunities to know so many people who "had no difficulty". Constant and consistent effort - even struggle - has been the great observable of others whenever I sat back and waited. That they keep on keepin' on causes me to believe that, somehow, there's sufficient reward for them ... at least more reward than watchin' the show ... and waiting.

Your writing would make a good play ...

You would be seated on stage under a spotlight with the curtain down behind you, narrating the complaints of your life (probably in chronological order). After each complaint, the spotlight would fade and a neaby scene would show you reviewing the details of that period and discovering new pespective on what actually happened.

To add metaphysical depth to the play, you would be seated next to your twin with both of you narrating the same story ... but your twin discovers the new perpectives and you don't. At play's end, your spotlight fades indicating a life not lived, especially when challenged, while your twin's spotlight shines even brighter, indicating lessons learned, hope renewed, and desire for more participation.

Naturally, you as the play's writer, have the great advantage of having experienced the dismal side of life and, by observation, etc., can contrast that with the lives of those who are too busy keepin' on ... but blissful in their "misery".

Rod

[Amigoo]

The timing of this viewing seems akin to celestial guidance (re: this Forum topic),
but I just used my DVD-1 to test a new, unused DVD player connected to my TV.

This documentary begins to explain how humans can perceive reality differently
... with one perception not necessarily more correct than another:

The Brain with David Eagleman (360 min.)

"PBS documentary series created and presented by neuroscientist Dr. David Eagleman.
Eagleman explores the wonders of the human brain with the goal of revealing
why we feel and think the things we do."

Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvPu2kYstcg
Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5fA--4gjv8
Part 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUV_OleoGr8
Part 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2ETQ74gt_Q
Part 5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa6S2uOEDWA
Part 6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ha7NOXA1O1Q

Rod

[Joebenz]

I'll check it out Amigoo sometimes i have a hard time trying to understand what you're saying. It's like you're speaking in riddles

[Amigoo]

It's like you're speaking in riddles

Could be true My mind easily taps into words/concepts having multiple or vague meanings
(to the reader) ... and that interplay, sometimes combined with arbitrary symbolism, makes
the writing experience - for any purpose - multi-dimensional.

Prescription medicine might be needed to temper the always-wandering neurons,
at least when composing written language for everyday communication. Sans medical
tempering (tampering?), rest & relaxation seems best.

I'll check back later this year.

Rod

[Seeker13]

LOL! Oh, Rod, you are funny.... You were being humorous on purpose right?

Kim

[Amigoo]

Kim,

All true! ... and today is already "later this year"

Speaking of true ...

In years past, I had posted comments about material phenomena that could be attributed (IMO) to Midwayer playfulness. All has been quiet after the last event several years ago - I had disconnected the battery from my smoke alarm because it would sometimes sound while I was napping ... and no smoke in the house

Yesterday, on the way to the bookstore, my car's door locks would occasionally pop up and then back down; slightly annoying but also entertaining! I finally decided that it was electrical interference ... but the first time that this has occurred. If it was Midwayer playfulness, it might be related to squared circles research (see Paradise Trinity Day topic) that seems to have reached a significant plateau.

Re: http://aitnaru.org/images/Sqrt_Pi_Ratios.pdf

"Sqrt(Pi) Ratios x+ode" and "Two-Tine PR" are the recent additions
... and just in time for the 2018 Pi Day (March 14th)

Rod

[RunningScroll]

Dear Joebenz

I was once in a deep state of constant negativity, that didn't seem to lift, no matter what I tried. Change only started occurring within me when I began to devote a daily time to meditation (at least an hour/day), calling upon the Divine Father (Christ Michael) and the Divine Mother (Nebadonia). Steps being:

1. Still the mind to the best of your ability.
2. Invite these benign beings into your mind and body.
3. Allow them to gradually recalibrate your energy system in many subtle ways.

It took about a year of this before the negativity started to be replaced by a growing positivity. There is a great amount of healing and transformation that can go on within all of us, as we are a rebellion world. They can help shine a light on and heal the things that stand in your way. Also consider the infusion of new ways of living your life, and take the time to play with the possibilities that are inherent in human life.

Try this out, and see if it helps. My bet is it will.

Take care and God bless!
Dylan

[Amigoo]

Re: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=27424#p197260
and "material phenomena that could be attributed (IMO) to Midwayer playfulness"

Re: http://evolving-souls.org/the-marvelous ... henomenon/

"It turns out that, around the time when digital clocks first came into common use in the seventies, the always-progressive midwayers petitioned for and were granted the right to use the 11:11 time prompt to contact humans. (The prompt now includes many other repeating number sequences or times such as 12:12, 10:10, 22:22, 12:34, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44 or 5:55.) If you are seeing a time prompt very often, you are likely being alerted by these resident planetary helpers, and this is usually for a specific purpose or set of purposes they have in mind. The midwayers not only like to interact with digital clocks, but also have a general affinity for our electrical devices and can and do cause lights to flicker, doorbells or cell phones to ring, and a myriad of other interactions."

As I recall, all of the "phenomena" (sounds from speakers, radiation detector on keychain*, smoke alarm, geometry-related digital displays, street lights turning off, and recent car door locks) involved "a general affinity for our electrical devices".

* this detector was the most mysterious of the phenomena - it was supposed to be used to detect radiation from a nearby explosion (How do you test this?) and guide you away from the radiation ("Run the other way!" ). But its battery would discharge in a month and I couldn't afford to keep replacing the battery. Interestingly, when the battery reached a certain level of discharge (IMO), it became available for Midwayer interaction (caused the alarm to sound). I was very entertained by this "book shopping assistant" (the only practical value I got from this device): it would alarm occasionally when I approached the book I was searching for in a bookstore; I just needed to scan that bookshelf.

About "negativity", the theme of this forum topic ...

I've experienced overwhelming negativity, often related to mild depression, but eventually discovered that trying to help others was mysteriously cathartic (release of emotional tensions)... and helped to reduce the negativity.

Rod

[Sandy]

Hi Rod, you wrote...

I've experienced overwhelming negativity, often related to mild depression, but eventually discovered that trying to help others was mysteriously cathartic (release of emotional tensions)... and helped to reduce the negativity.

Thanks for that bit of wisdom... I'll put it to good use.
xxSandy

[Amigoo]

About the "car's door locks that occasionally pop up and then back down" ...

Not Midwayers - it's a common problem with these older cars
... and temporarily resolved by removing the locks' fuse.
(the key still works)

Rod ... ...

[Lightened717]

Joebenz,

I know I'm a bit late responding here, but wanted to add my thoughts. You've definitely found the right place to get all these thoughts and feelings out. I only visit the forum once a month or so (hi everyone!) but each time I do, there is a thread like this and it warms my heart.

I went through a period in the last few years where I had much the same thoughts and doubts as you - I felt like I was being manipulated by spirit. All of my negative emotions I felt were coming from OUTSIDE of me. I felt a bit victimized by life. I was afraid of spirit. I fell into some nasty blackholes on the internet and threw myself into quite the existential crisis.

What was really happening? I was in a bad marriage, but I had convinced myself that God wanted me to heal my ex by loving him better, and that my marriage was a blessing that I just wasn't appreciating enough. That was a very firmly held FALSE belief that wasn't serving me...and strongly held beliefs don't fall away without a fight, even if we THINK we value the Truth. Gotta let go of the old before the new has space to come in.

Now that I'm (nearly) past that phase in my life and freshly divorced, here are some things I've learned:
-emotional trauma can severely impact us and our ability to trust anyone, including ourselves AND spirit. I have had therapists tell me I grew up in an abusive environment and it affected all of my relationships, including with myself. Spirit has been rehabilitating me for a while now, but "reprogramming" the mind doesn't happen overnight. The good news? There are things we can do to help that process (based on the science of neuroplasticity). Check out this book if you're interested ---> https://www.amazon.com/Brain-That-Chang ... plasticity
- our unconscious, repressed emotions, etc., can drive our behaviors in ways most people don't understand, especially for people who experienced trauma as a child. However, we are not powerless! Therapy, journaling, meditation and prayer, strong relationships with authentic people, and learning more about how the mind works help give us tools to move forward in our lives with confidence. Reading the UB would bring me comfort too; it helps us see the world from a more cosmic perspective so we can stop focusing so much on our own suffering (which is real and valid). I also found a lot of clarity in reading about C.G. Jung's work (start with Man and His Symbols if it is speaking to you).

This may be a bit of a sloppy metaphor, but it's worked for me. Due to our planet's history, so many of us our emotionally and spiritually traumatized, not unlike an animal who has experienced severe abuse. How does an animal who has never felt love act? Fearful, aggressive, angry, unable to trust any human. There are special people in the world who have made it their mission to rehabilitate those animals, and they can have "miraculous" recoveries with love, time, and an absurd amount of patience.

The beings that are working to get your attention are loving, patient, and merciful. The way they show these qualities may be different than what we expect, however. And remember - God helps those who help themselves. Sometimes all it takes is a DECISION to make a change to give enough space for spirit to start making real changes in our lives. Take heart! We live in a friendly Universe and we are all loved and cared for as if we were God's only child!


With Love,

Peggy

[Sandy]

((((((Peggy))))))
I am always thrilled when you pop in for a visit as I garner so much from your posts that helps me personally even when not directed at me specifically. Today is no different. Thank you!

This brought tears to my eyes today... needed it.

"Take heart! We live in a friendly Universe and we are all loved and cared for as if we were God's only child!"

love,
Sandy

[Lightened717]

Aw Sandy that truly means a lot! Because this forum, and your posts in particular, were life savers for me when I first started down this path several years ago! Even when your posts weren't for me I could just feel the love coming through your words and it comforted me and encouraged me to keep going. You're a special lady!

Not sure if you're active on Facebook but I am much more active there Actually just joined the Rocky Mountain Spiritual Fellowship! Everyone there was fascinated to hear about the fact that I found the UB as an "11:11'er".

[Sandy]

Peggy
Thank you for your words that felt like a big ole hug when I needed it. This year has been an especially tough one for me as I have been dealing with "things"... trying to make sense of it and my reactions to it. If I can get a handle on it...with a good solid grip this time and maybe ask for a hand from my celestial kin instead of pushing them away, I'll make the desired head-way... You know, its easy to think that your guides, guardians, angels and midwayers, all those celestials closer to us in "celestial hierarchy" will look down upon us with disfavor, distaste etc...when we make our many human mistakes and I am speaking of thoughts as much as actions.... that they won't love us as much... go find someone else to teach and what not... I think this kind of thinking makes us feel that we are a little unworthy to carry any kind of torch... like who are we to try to help when already struggling ourselves. But perhaps, this is all part of growth at least from the mortal side of things. We learn to overcome problems of life, problems of the heart and mind. We try to align our thinking and our goals with the higher ideals we are striving for and when we fail even a little we blame ourselves mightily and beat up our "inner child" more then a bit at times. Did you ever read one of my posts when I spoke of seeing a little girl arrive in my akashic library? It was years ago when I was doing much healing work there. One day in particular I just needed to go there...no patients, no celestials and just pray. I can't remember now what was bothering me but I suspect I was berating myself for something that was going on at the time... So after I was there in the peace of my AC Library and after I let off some of my pain to the Divine...I opened my eyes and there sitting in front of me was a little girl and she was glaring terribly at me. I was shocked to say the least, first of all because I went into my library with the intention of having the "place" to myself. Only those invited are allowed there. So who was this disagreeable little girl?... It didn't take me long to realize that it was me! My representation of my inner child, who was sick and tired of being belittled, berated and trivialized. I smile at the memory now as I can still see her in my mind's eye. It may be something for me to think on now... I am that little girl and I deserve a little bit of a break as she/we are far from perfection and just doing the best we can at the moment. Something Dylan said in a post reminded me that everything we attempt goes better when we do it with the intention of involving the assistant of our TAs (the Gods and Goddesses within us... I sometimes think of our TAs that way) Our gift from the Creator of all within us will give us the guidance and direction we need. But it isn't a one size fits all kind of thing... no, something tailor made for each of us.

Anyway I don't know what I am going on about. It is just really really nice to talk to you today Peggy, and to read your guided thoughts again on the board.

I'm excited to hear about your joining the Rocky Mountain Spiritual fellowship! Please share what you discover and learn when you can.

xxSandy

[Lightened717]

I am so glad! I am also beginning to seriously think you and I are spiritually connected somehow...because I have been struggling with the SAME THOUGHTS. Lack of worthiness. Avoiding deeper meditation because I feel I am not "perfect" enough to engage in serious healing or, shall we say, psychic work; perhaps that is more of an unconscious fear. I pray all the time about wanting to have a better connection with my TA but find my mind unable to focus on Her during the day because my mind wanders and get frustrated with myself. I have really resonated with some of the messages in the last few months about being "too humble" and accepting our divine inheritance and whatnot.

I just had something occur to me. I tend to wind myself up emotionally when I think I've done something to make spirit or my TA "abandon" me. Oy, more childhood stuff. I've been dealing with abandonment fears in my personal life too!

But I also have a dream to tell you about, the only dream I felt was truly spiritually influenced that I've had in the last several years. It jumps around in time and space oddly like dreams do...but it starts out and I am an orphan child on a boat that is full of immigrants, presumably headed to the US. I am alone, I am not with any parents or family, but there are a bunch of other people on the boat, we are all gathering in one big space. The boat capsizes somehow and I'm in the water, underwater, several hundred feet away, watching the boat sink. Time skips forward and it's morning, and I am maybe a few miles off of a coast where several people are being rescued, but I'm too far away to be rescued, too. Time skips again. I am now my adult self and it's dusk, and the horizon is the most beautiful colors of purple and orange. I realize someone is in the water with me - a child, but I never see his/her face or speak with them. I grab them and start swimming toward an outcrop of rocks. As we near the rocks, there is a sea lion there and I punch him so he swims away (don't really understand what THAT'S alluding to haha). I climb on the rocks with the child in my lap and look up at the sky, and the Earth is where the moon should be. I see a shark swimming around us in the water and start to become scared. Then I pray to God for help and the dream suddenly ends.

Needless to say I'm pretty sure it's a big 'ol reference to my inner child. Before I really entered this phase in my life, I asked my brother what he thought I should meditate about during one of our spiritual conversations, and he said, "your inner child". I didn't believe him at the time.

I think I'm on an accelerated healing/learning/experiential path right now. Not sure to what end yet, but it's a practice in faith I guess if nothing else! All of the plans I make these days fall through, things that I have been really successful at in the past, so I'm thinking God has something in mind for me I'm not seeing yet, or maybe ignoring

The RMSF meeting was interesting, they're very excited to have more "young" participants. Got to meet Mo Siegel (President of the Urantia Foundation), which was interesting. Also Paula Thompson (Director of the Urantia Book Fellowship) who knew George and the 11:11!

I pray that things get easier for you in your own heart and mind, Sandy! And mine too haha. The lessons I keep having repeated back to me are - patience, more faith, and ASK FOR HELP (i.e. stop trying to do everything on my own).